Friday, January 19, 2007

moved

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while, but I am back. I've decided to mainly post at the new blog I have with K because it's just easer to manage one blog instead of two.

I think I'm also going to be a little more cautious about how much I open up on the blog. If you care to know about my life, befriend me and we can chat outside the blog.

So I'm heading off to:

http://kaitandsarah.wordpress.com

See ya later folks.

Posted by Pezgirl at 8:13 AM | |

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Like father, like daughter

Wow.

I just and a conversation that totally reminds me of how my father talks to me.

I'm scared of making someone feel condescending.

When does genuine concern and well-intentioned actions become nagging and hurtful (is that too harsh of a word?)?

It makes me hesitant to even approach the subject or help, or talk about it fergodssake.

If I do anything else that reminds me of my dad I swear I'm going to blow my brains out.

Posted by Pezgirl at 8:24 PM | |

Friday, November 24, 2006

I don't understand what people mean when they tell me I seem naturally confident.

I'm not sure I believe people when they tell me I'm a strong person.

I don't believe it when people tell me I'm smart.

I don't believe it when people tell me I'm beautiful.



I turn away compliments a lot. I usually roll my eyes and shake my head slightly. It's a common occurence. Part of it is because I'm not convinced. I look at myself in the mirror and do not see a beautiful girl. Or someone who is strong, confident, all the things people tell me I am.

I've been feeling quite insecure about what is about to happen to me soon. Even the slightest setback is making me cry.

I'm leaving in a week.

I'm getting cold feet.

fuck.

Posted by Pezgirl at 9:26 PM | |

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm having a long chat with K. There have been things I've been wanting, no, dying to say.

How do I start? Where do I begin?

I've finally let myself admit how I feel now and how I felt then. Before she left, when she left, when she came back, when we got together.

It scares me to say it.


When was the first time I ever thought I could see myself with someone in the future and not want that feeling to go away? When did I want to finally say those three words and completely mean it?

This is new for me. I don't know where to start.

Posted by Pezgirl at 12:37 AM | |

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I don't think I remember how I dealt or handled my emotions in the past. Well, maybe because I wasn't coherent or sober enough to think about (I can sort of laugh about it now). I had to learn how to articulate how I felt and handle situations without using any of those things. Boy did I struggle with that.

It's hard for me still. Whenever something bad happens I tend to just put up a wall and not talk about it, at all. Part of it is really not wanting to feel close or be close to anyone. It took me a long time to open up to anybody, especially people close to me and I'm still struggling with it now.

I dont know. I don't know why I always feel that whenever somebody validates what I have to say or tries to help me I tell them to fuck off. I hate feeling vulnerable. I guess the past couple of years I was always the one people go to for help or I've been the strong one it's hard to admit that I need help too. In August when things in the house was so absolutely freaking unbearable I couldn't even get myself to leave even though deep inside I knew it would have been best. I've completely shut myself off from my parents and they know it, and only recently has my mom tried to talk to me. But what is there left to say or ask? And I know she's afraid to do anything because I could blow up in her face. And I probably will, because it is the only defense mechanism I've got that works.

Now I'm here still lying to my parents, still lying to myself, and trying so hard to stay here.

I need to learn to accept that if I need help there are people there. Damn me for being so stubborn.

Posted by Pezgirl at 3:32 PM | |

Monday, October 30, 2006

Today was a difficult day.

So was yesterday.

I don't know how, but somewhere within the past year I've lost my fighting energy. It feels like, well, I've given up.

I have no idea where it all went. I used be such a fighter, stand up for my rights, what I thought was unfair. I started crying when somebody asked me how I came to be obedient. I have no idea why I listen to them, my parents. I have no idea why I keep my mouth shut and submit to [most of] their demands. When did I stop talking back? When did I stop listening to what I wanted?

Yesterday was my father's birthday. He didn't seem like he wanted me there. I sat at dinner trying to shut all of them out. My sister, who was trying to talk to me had to repeat everything she said simply because I somehow tuned her out too. Even the fighting in the car after dinner I tuned out. Even this morning when my mom and dad were talking I tuned out. God, I want to tune them out altogether.

One more month until I fly to Australia. I'm not sure that's comforting anymore.

Posted by Pezgirl at 1:47 PM | |

Your Holy Sweetness

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