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Thursday, August 24, 2006
When I think about the past, the types of things they did, I feel angry, but then again that is my feeling. The brain always dominates, says, as I have pointed out, you have a limited time to stay on Earth. You know what? I'm sick of being angry at other people. I'm not going to sit here and yell and scream and hide in my room trying to imagine what my life would be like if this situation wasn't happening to me, or if I had more supportive parents. I can't deal with ifs and buts anymore. I need to look at reality, now. I'm not going to wish for a better situation for myself, I've got to make it. The thing I hate the most right now is that this is affecting K and getting her all upset over it. And I don't ever want her to think that whatever she has to say or ask me is stupid. I am really open to talking about anything, honest. All you you have to do is ask. I've got to look forward. It's time to channel this anger and resentment into something I can use to make my life better. I've risen through situations much worse than this. So if I can triumph over that, I can triumph over this. I'm going to muster up all the drive and determination I have (I've never lost it thank god) and start doing what I need and want to be doing. I also need to reassure K and cheer her up. I hate to see her sad. I've got a long to-do list. I might as well get started. Monday, August 21, 2006
I lost the support of the last family member I thought would be there and love me unconditionally. It's a big blow. Yes, I have good friends, but that's not enough sometimes. Sure, my cousin is still there, but she's a floating entity to me right now. The financial support is there, but I need someone HERE, NOW, and PRESENT for support. I know I've got K, and that's keeping me sane and facing the world. I live in a house but not a home. Even my room feels strange. I shudder everyime I turn the key to the door. Left is to lock. Right, open. Maybe I'll keep turning my key left. How do I enter a place where I don't feel valued? How do I surround myself in an environment where I won't be approved of? I don't think I ask much of my parents. Yes, I know I've done some pretty horrible things, but being in a happy relationship and MINDING MY OWN BUISNESS should not be one of them. Apparently this is hurting them. Get a clue: loving a woman has nothing to do with YOU, it has everything to do with ME. I face the discrimination, I face the prejudice. I live with the comments, not YOU. Maybe this is hurting me more than you. How dare you try to intrude in my life and tell me what I should think. Despite all this I know something good will emerge. Sunday, August 20, 2006
I cannot please everybody. I can only try to live my life as best as I can and treat the people I care most about with dignity and respect. FICTION: I can be whatever and whoever everybody wants me to be. It is possible to please everybody, no matter what it is. deep breath, deep breath. I will be whatever you want me to be. I will be whatever you want me to be. I will be whatever you want me to be. I will be whatever you want me to be. I will be whatever you want me to be. Let the pendulum of duty vs. desire swing away. |
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