Saturday, September 23, 2006
I've had some time to myself to reassess my situation and relationships with certain people and it's helped me calm down a lot. I couldn't continue going on like I have been in the past few weeks. Seriously, "Insane Sarah" is not fun! I was in for a serious wake up call this week when I went for a health physical and discovered I lost a lot of weight within the past few weeks. For a person of my stature, I really cannot afford to lose even one pound. I guess it'll be a steady diet of fast food and beer for the next little while, heh.
Just some things I have to get used to now:
1. Working six days a week, possibly more. Well, it's money, and frankly I'd put up with having no life for a few months if it means being able to live comfortably in Brisbane.
2. More forms and stuff to do. Most of my time spent with K right now is getting all of this done. I'd like those done so I can move on, thankyouverymuch.
3. Realizing my relationship with my parents is still dangling by a thread. Hopefully by the time I leave it'll be a little better.
4. Making sure I eat at least three meals a day and building more muscle. If I lose more weight I'd be in serious trouble.
I have a day off work (both places) tomorrow, so hopefully I'd take advantage of it and relax as much as possible.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
I've been thinking lately why I do this, and the more I think about it, the more it reminds me my childhood. My feelings were never validated. I remember going home crying a few times and my dad literally told me to shut up and said that what I was crying over was stupid. Sometimes I remember going to my mom and she'd go on about her problems and tell me that mine were not as significant or as dramatic as hers. So I learned never to go to them. Sure, I had friends, but they're not the same when you really need the emotional support. In my home I've learned that I needed to put a proper and happy face for everyone, and that emotions are to be kept private.
Even when I was 16 and going through what I still think is the most emotionally charged time in my life, I kept it all in. I shared my stories with other people in my support group, but never cried. I never let anybody know what I was going through was upsetting. I remember going to school, going to support groups, talking on the phone with people, and only at night when everybody else was asleep did I dare cry.
These days, I have friends around that care, but a lot of our conversations are based on joking and sarcasm. I recently told some of them what was going on, and they were supportive at first. The next time we all went out to dinner it seemed like a big joke, and I felt really hurt. And I knew that if I went ahead and told them and got upset over it I'd feel like such a big fool. Again I kept it to myself.
Even if people say they care, I don't believe them. I never feel as though my feelings are valid or that whatever I've got to say is important anymore. And I feel selfish everytime I go and talk about my problems. Which in turn makes me shy away from people and leaving them mad and baffled as to why I'm like this.
So what do I do? Is there any way I can stop feeling embarassed and stupid? It's been 24 years. It's going to be hard.
Friday, September 15, 2006
I need a time out. My crazy emotions are getting too overwhelming for me to be able to keep sane around people. I think about everything at every second and I can't take it anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when in fact I'm not.
There have been things that are bottled in my head which are starting to come out now. There is not a day that goes by that I dont' cry over them. I can try to keep positive, but it's not really working.
I notice how much my manner has changed around people. Everyone is starting to notice. I'm pushing people away, closing up, not talking. I mean I have three things that are completely consuming my mind and that is all I can talk about, and frankly I feel it is useless to talk about it, yet I keep talking about it. Sigh.
I'm going to type them here so hopefully I'll shut up about it soon enough.
Yes, I've got two jobs. Yes, I might be a on-call teacher soon, so that makes three. And I'm available 6 and half days a week. But I'm still stressed over not having enough income because I haven't worked properly for two weeks straight. And I've been spending more than I want. The thing is, I'm going to be helping K out once she comes out to Brisbane to be with me. And I don't exactly want both of us to be going totally broke soon after she arrives. So I need to concentrate on making as much money as possible in order for me not to worry or be concerned about it. And until I work a lot, I'm not going to stop being totally consumed by this. And this thought freaks me out everyday. I actually dreamt that we had to beg on the streets. yay fun.
I want to be a teacher so badly it's sad. I remember a conversation with K saying if I dont' end up getting a teaching job if I would stay in Brisbane and jsut work odd jobs for a bit. The answer is no. The fact that I'm working at these two odd jobs is doing a number to my self-esteem. It also doesn't help that I keep bumping into former students who also work at the places I work. And everyday I keep being reminded that I'm not doing what I love yet. Sure, I have to be paitent, but it's driving me insane. I dont' want to go to work simply because of this.
I worry and stress each time I go out with K. I dont' want her to worry about whether or not my parents will catch us together while we're out, nor do I want to let this thought stop me from enjoying my time with her. But I can't help it. I always have that thought lingering in the back of my head and I always need to know the time so I can go home around the time when they expect me.
I need a time out so nobody can really remind me of all these things, including K. And I hate having to say I need space from her when in fact none of this is her fault. And I know this is not easy on her too, or in fact stressing her out. Gah, I feel bad and I just told her I needed space this morning. great.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
It had to be done, I decided this basically right after the blowup with my family. I can't stand it anymore, I'm on edge all the time, and I have this tone of anger in my voice everytime I talk to them. I just need some space from them, and my extended family too. So this is the continent and place where I can physically seperate myself from them, even for a little while.
So I think it'll be good for me. I'm going to be teaching secondary school kiddies in Brisbane. So I'll be leaving Canada right when winter starts to the height of summer to the land down under.
I'm looking forward to spending Christmas by myself sitting on the beach with beer in my hand. Maybe I'll buy myself something nice too.
Right now it's getting all the visas and forms ready to go. I've started on them right now so it's not an issue.
I can't wait!
Saturday, September 02, 2006
I need sleep. I didn't really want to admit it to anybody, but I've barely gotten any sleep since the whole incident. It's finally caught up to me and I don't like it.
Basically, I'm most worried about money right now. As part of "listening" to my parents, I've been forced to quit my job so it betters my chances of not seeing K ever again. Which means I've been scrambling to look for another job in the past week and a bit. I've bugged some of my friends and they're doing all they can for me. I appreciate that, really.
So it's just more calls, potentially handing out resumes and sucking up to managers and people who may get me jobs. Whatever works.
And what else? I don't want people to be worried or feel sorry for me. I don't' need people to feel sorry for me. I know people care, and I appreciate that. But please just let me be and bear with this for a while by myself. I know I'm not superwoman but there is really nothing anybody can do for me. Really.
Your Holy Sweetness
I'm a girl who's keeping sane in an insane world. I've been told that I'm funny and people like to buy me Pez and Spongebob Squarepants products. I say bring it on.
Lips Like Sugar