Lips Like Sugar

moved

2007-01-19T08:13:00.000-05:00

I know I've been absent from the blog for a while, but I am back. I've decided to mainly post at the new blog I have with K because it's just easer to manage one blog instead of two.

I think I'm also going to be a little more cautious about how much I open up on the blog. If you care to know about my life, befriend me and we can chat outside the blog.

So I'm heading off to:

http://kaitandsarah.wordpress.com

See ya later folks.

Like father, like daughter

2006-11-28T20:24:00.000-05:00

Wow.

I just and a conversation that totally reminds me of how my father talks to me.

I'm scared of making someone feel condescending.

When does genuine concern and well-intentioned actions become nagging and hurtful (is that too harsh of a word?)?

It makes me hesitant to even approach the subject or help, or talk about it fergodssake.

If I do anything else that reminds me of my dad I swear I'm going to blow my brains out.

2006-11-24T21:26:00.000-05:00

I don't understand what people mean when they tell me I seem naturally confident.

I'm not sure I believe people when they tell me I'm a strong person.

I don't believe it when people tell me I'm smart.

I don't believe it when people tell me I'm beautiful.

I turn away compliments a lot. I usually roll my eyes and shake my head slightly. It's a common occurence. Part of it is because I'm not convinced. I look at myself in the mirror and do not see a beautiful girl. Or someone who is strong, confident, all the things people tell me I am.

I've been feeling quite insecure about what is about to happen to me soon. Even the slightest setback is making me cry.

I'm leaving in a week.

I'm getting cold feet.

fuck.

2006-11-14T00:37:00.000-05:00

I'm having a long chat with K. There have been things I've been wanting, no, dying to say.

How do I start? Where do I begin?

I've finally let myself admit how I feel now and how I felt then. Before she left, when she left, when she came back, when we got together.

It scares me to say it.

When was the first time I ever thought I could see myself with someone in the future and not want that feeling to go away? When did I want to finally say those three words and completely mean it?

This is new for me. I don't know where to start.

2006-11-07T15:32:00.000-05:00

I don't think I remember how I dealt or handled my emotions in the past. Well, maybe because I wasn't coherent or sober enough to think about (I can sort of laugh about it now). I had to learn how to articulate how I felt and handle situations without using any of those things. Boy did I struggle with that.

It's hard for me still. Whenever something bad happens I tend to just put up a wall and not talk about it, at all. Part of it is really not wanting to feel close or be close to anyone. It took me a long time to open up to anybody, especially people close to me and I'm still struggling with it now.

I dont know. I don't know why I always feel that whenever somebody validates what I have to say or tries to help me I tell them to fuck off. I hate feeling vulnerable. I guess the past couple of years I was always the one people go to for help or I've been the strong one it's hard to admit that I need help too. In August when things in the house was so absolutely freaking unbearable I couldn't even get myself to leave even though deep inside I knew it would have been best. I've completely shut myself off from my parents and they know it, and only recently has my mom tried to talk to me. But what is there left to say or ask? And I know she's afraid to do anything because I could blow up in her face. And I probably will, because it is the only defense mechanism I've got that works.

Now I'm here still lying to my parents, still lying to myself, and trying so hard to stay here.

I need to learn to accept that if I need help there are people there. Damn me for being so stubborn.

2006-10-30T13:47:00.000-05:00

Today was a difficult day.

So was yesterday.

I don't know how, but somewhere within the past year I've lost my fighting energy. It feels like, well, I've given up.

I have no idea where it all went. I used be such a fighter, stand up for my rights, what I thought was unfair. I started crying when somebody asked me how I came to be obedient. I have no idea why I listen to them, my parents. I have no idea why I keep my mouth shut and submit to [most of] their demands. When did I stop talking back? When did I stop listening to what I wanted?

Yesterday was my father's birthday. He didn't seem like he wanted me there. I sat at dinner trying to shut all of them out. My sister, who was trying to talk to me had to repeat everything she said simply because I somehow tuned her out too. Even the fighting in the car after dinner I tuned out. Even this morning when my mom and dad were talking I tuned out. God, I want to tune them out altogether.

One more month until I fly to Australia. I'm not sure that's comforting anymore.

ranty rant

2006-10-11T21:58:00.000-04:00

I'm merely writing this because nobody is around to talk.

I'm annoyed, really annoyed and frankly I'd like to go jog to take my aggressions out.

You know what. I don't like to be blown off, especially yesterday. I don't' like trying to talk to someone and they ignore you. You go to say bye and they don't bother talking to you. Thanks.

And today, well I don't like spending even one measly hour with somebody simply because I didn't want to tick them off.

So you know what? Screw this.

I'm not going to sit around and feel like I'm not wanted.

I'm going to have a beer.

[update: I'm slightly more empathetic/sympathetic of the situation now. But still.]

refreshed (?)

2006-09-23T15:59:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm as tired as fuck. But I feel emotionally better.

I've had some time to myself to reassess my situation and relationships with certain people and it's helped me calm down a lot. I couldn't continue going on like I have been in the past few weeks. Seriously, "Insane Sarah" is not fun! I was in for a serious wake up call this week when I went for a health physical and discovered I lost a lot of weight within the past few weeks. For a person of my stature, I really cannot afford to lose even one pound. I guess it'll be a steady diet of fast food and beer for the next little while, heh.

Just some things I have to get used to now:

1. Working six days a week, possibly more. Well, it's money, and frankly I'd put up with having no life for a few months if it means being able to live comfortably in Brisbane.

2. More forms and stuff to do. Most of my time spent with K right now is getting all of this done. I'd like those done so I can move on, thankyouverymuch.

3. Realizing my relationship with my parents is still dangling by a thread. Hopefully by the time I leave it'll be a little better.

4. Making sure I eat at least three meals a day and building more muscle. If I lose more weight I'd be in serious trouble.

I have a day off work (both places) tomorrow, so hopefully I'd take advantage of it and relax as much as possible.

time out, part two.

2006-09-20T10:45:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning really wanting to have sex.

That's all.

time out, part one.

2006-09-16T10:28:00.000-04:00

One of the things I still find hardest to do, even after all these years, is to cry in front of someone. I can't do it. It makes me feel stupid, weak and vulnerable, and I can't face the person I cried in front of afterwards. No matter who it is. Hence, whenever an issue that upsets me arises, I tend to close up and go away. I've done this all of my life and I find this trend harder and harder to break as each day passes by.

I've been thinking lately why I do this, and the more I think about it, the more it reminds me my childhood. My feelings were never validated. I remember going home crying a few times and my dad literally told me to shut up and said that what I was crying over was stupid. Sometimes I remember going to my mom and she'd go on about her problems and tell me that mine were not as significant or as dramatic as hers. So I learned never to go to them. Sure, I had friends, but they're not the same when you really need the emotional support. In my home I've learned that I needed to put a proper and happy face for everyone, and that emotions are to be kept private.

Even when I was 16 and going through what I still think is the most emotionally charged time in my life, I kept it all in. I shared my stories with other people in my support group, but never cried. I never let anybody know what I was going through was upsetting. I remember going to school, going to support groups, talking on the phone with people, and only at night when everybody else was asleep did I dare cry.

These days, I have friends around that care, but a lot of our conversations are based on joking and sarcasm. I recently told some of them what was going on, and they were supportive at first. The next time we all went out to dinner it seemed like a big joke, and I felt really hurt. And I knew that if I went ahead and told them and got upset over it I'd feel like such a big fool. Again I kept it to myself.

Even if people say they care, I don't believe them. I never feel as though my feelings are valid or that whatever I've got to say is important anymore. And I feel selfish everytime I go and talk about my problems. Which in turn makes me shy away from people and leaving them mad and baffled as to why I'm like this.

So what do I do? Is there any way I can stop feeling embarassed and stupid? It's been 24 years. It's going to be hard.

On a time out

2006-09-15T23:25:00.000-04:00

good god. I feel as though K is going to be very angry (or already is) with me for some reason.

I need a time out. My crazy emotions are getting too overwhelming for me to be able to keep sane around people. I think about everything at every second and I can't take it anymore. I can't pretend to be happy when in fact I'm not.

There have been things that are bottled in my head which are starting to come out now. There is not a day that goes by that I dont' cry over them. I can try to keep positive, but it's not really working.

I notice how much my manner has changed around people. Everyone is starting to notice. I'm pushing people away, closing up, not talking. I mean I have three things that are completely consuming my mind and that is all I can talk about, and frankly I feel it is useless to talk about it, yet I keep talking about it. Sigh.

I'm going to type them here so hopefully I'll shut up about it soon enough.
1) Money...
Yes, I've got two jobs. Yes, I might be a on-call teacher soon, so that makes three. And I'm available 6 and half days a week. But I'm still stressed over not having enough income because I haven't worked properly for two weeks straight. And I've been spending more than I want. The thing is, I'm going to be helping K out once she comes out to Brisbane to be with me. And I don't exactly want both of us to be going totally broke soon after she arrives. So I need to concentrate on making as much money as possible in order for me not to worry or be concerned about it. And until I work a lot, I'm not going to stop being totally consumed by this. And this thought freaks me out everyday. I actually dreamt that we had to beg on the streets. yay fun.

2)Job issues...
I want to be a teacher so badly it's sad. I remember a conversation with K saying if I dont' end up getting a teaching job if I would stay in Brisbane and jsut work odd jobs for a bit. The answer is no. The fact that I'm working at these two odd jobs is doing a number to my self-esteem. It also doesn't help that I keep bumping into former students who also work at the places I work. And everyday I keep being reminded that I'm not doing what I love yet. Sure, I have to be paitent, but it's driving me insane. I dont' want to go to work simply because of this.

3)Parents...
I worry and stress each time I go out with K. I dont' want her to worry about whether or not my parents will catch us together while we're out, nor do I want to let this thought stop me from enjoying my time with her. But I can't help it. I always have that thought lingering in the back of my head and I always need to know the time so I can go home around the time when they expect me.

I need a time out so nobody can really remind me of all these things, including K. And I hate having to say I need space from her when in fact none of this is her fault. And I know this is not easy on her too, or in fact stressing her out. Gah, I feel bad and I just told her I needed space this morning. great.

here we go..

2006-09-05T21:04:00.000-04:00

So I've done it. Bought a one way ticket. one way. to Australia.

It had to be done, I decided this basically right after the blowup with my family. I can't stand it anymore, I'm on edge all the time, and I have this tone of anger in my voice everytime I talk to them. I just need some space from them, and my extended family too. So this is the continent and place where I can physically seperate myself from them, even for a little while.

So I think it'll be good for me. I'm going to be teaching secondary school kiddies in Brisbane. So I'll be leaving Canada right when winter starts to the height of summer to the land down under.

I'm looking forward to spending Christmas by myself sitting on the beach with beer in my hand. Maybe I'll buy myself something nice too.

Right now it's getting all the visas and forms ready to go. I've started on them right now so it's not an issue.

I can't wait!

bullcrap!

2006-09-02T23:00:00.000-04:00

I broke down from utter exhaustion yesterday. It was NOT good. I was literally freaking out and crying and having a tantrum at work when I found out I was going to be staying later. It was really embarrassing and I apologized profusely to my manger today when I saw her.

I need sleep. I didn't really want to admit it to anybody, but I've barely gotten any sleep since the whole incident. It's finally caught up to me and I don't like it.

Basically, I'm most worried about money right now. As part of "listening" to my parents, I've been forced to quit my job so it betters my chances of not seeing K ever again. Which means I've been scrambling to look for another job in the past week and a bit. I've bugged some of my friends and they're doing all they can for me. I appreciate that, really.

So it's just more calls, potentially handing out resumes and sucking up to managers and people who may get me jobs. Whatever works.

And what else? I don't want people to be worried or feel sorry for me. I don't' need people to feel sorry for me. I know people care, and I appreciate that. But please just let me be and bear with this for a while by myself. I know I'm not superwoman but there is really nothing anybody can do for me. Really.

2006-08-24T09:36:00.000-04:00

When I think about the past, the types of things they did, I feel angry, but then again that is my feeling. The brain always dominates, says, as I have pointed out, you have a limited time to stay on Earth.
-Nelson Mandela

You know what? I'm sick of being angry at other people. I'm not going to sit here and yell and scream and hide in my room trying to imagine what my life would be like if this situation wasn't happening to me, or if I had more supportive parents. I can't deal with ifs and buts anymore. I need to look at reality, now. I'm not going to wish for a better situation for myself, I've got to make it.

The thing I hate the most right now is that this is affecting K and getting her all upset over it. And I don't ever want her to think that whatever she has to say or ask me is stupid. I am really open to talking about anything, honest. All you you have to do is ask.

I've got to look forward. It's time to channel this anger and resentment into something I can use to make my life better. I've risen through situations much worse than this. So if I can triumph over that, I can triumph over this. I'm going to muster up all the drive and determination I have (I've never lost it thank god) and start doing what I need and want to be doing. I also need to reassure K and cheer her up. I hate to see her sad.

I've got a long to-do list. I might as well get started.

And the pendulum swings on...

2006-08-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

I'm broken. So broken in fact I'm living second to second trying to keep it together. What is going to happen to me in the next few minutes? Fuck if I knew.

I lost the support of the last family member I thought would be there and love me unconditionally. It's a big blow. Yes, I have good friends, but that's not enough sometimes. Sure, my cousin is still there, but she's a floating entity to me right now. The financial support is there, but I need someone HERE, NOW, and PRESENT for support. I know I've got K, and that's keeping me sane and facing the world.

I live in a house but not a home. Even my room feels strange. I shudder everyime I turn the key to the door. Left is to lock. Right, open. Maybe I'll keep turning my key left. How do I enter a place where I don't feel valued? How do I surround myself in an environment where I won't be approved of?

I don't think I ask much of my parents. Yes, I know I've done some pretty horrible things, but being in a happy relationship and MINDING MY OWN BUISNESS should not be one of them. Apparently this is hurting them. Get a clue: loving a woman has nothing to do with YOU, it has everything to do with ME. I face the discrimination, I face the prejudice. I live with the comments, not YOU. Maybe this is hurting me more than you. How dare you try to intrude in my life and tell me what I should think.

Despite all this I know something good will emerge.

duty vs. desire (oh so bollywood!)

2006-08-20T22:42:00.000-04:00

FACT:

I cannot please everybody. I can only try to live my life as best as I can and treat the people I care most about with dignity and respect.

FICTION:

I can be whatever and whoever everybody wants me to be. It is possible to please everybody, no matter what it is.

deep breath, deep breath.

I will be whatever you want me to be.
I will be whatever you want me to be.
I will be whatever you want me to be.
I will be whatever you want me to be.
I will be whatever you want me to be.
I will be whatever you want me to be.

Let the pendulum of duty vs. desire swing away.

The answer to that is no

2006-07-28T10:45:00.000-04:00

Well, I've finally stopped feeling sorry for myself, thank god. Any more of that and I would have literally gone insane.

I hate that people are worrying about me right now. There's no need to really. But I think it's time I tell people what is really going on. It's not like I did't want to but I had to figure out things in my head and articulate what it is I am really feeling.

So I've taken matters into my own hands, got off my lazy butt and started to do something about all the crazy emotions I'm going through.

I'm still warning people though: I'm still a rollercoaster. So if I freak out on you, it's not your fault.

does that come with a side of self pity?

2006-07-21T23:55:00.000-04:00

I've been so angry since I came home. I've been trying my best to hide it but apparently it's not really working.

I've got to deal with this. I'm letting it affect everything around me. Relationships, work, friends, everything. I have a little over a month to enjoy the rest of my summer, and I really don't want my temper to ruin it. Fuck I'm getting angry over that too.

You know what I hate the most? I thought I could leave all of it behind when I boarded that plane back to Canada. Apparently not.

Would talking about it help? Maybe. Do I think people want to hear me talk about my long-winded issues? Probably not.

All I really want is to feel valued and wanted. I'm somehow convinced that nobody wants me around. I need reassurance damnnit.

can I sleep now please?

2006-07-17T08:02:00.000-04:00

This has got to be the worst jet lag ever. I'm sitting here, wide awake, after trying to go to sleep at 5am. Not entirely my fault though, but we won't get into that here ;)

I did not sleep on the plane ride, plus I woke up really early the day of the flight. Which meant 26hrs of not sleeping. The sleep that night wasn't great either. I'm still cranky, and I'm trying to not let it affect me, though I'm not sure that I'll be sucessful.

I'm probably going to zonk out after this post. I have a massive headache from the fact that I had no water and the many teas and beers I had yesterday. ugh.

Don't ask me why, I decided to revise my list of things about me. Enjoy.

20 Things About Me:
1)I still have this huge fear that I'll turn into everything I hate about my dad. Sometimes I see things in myself that remind me of him and it freaks me out.

2) I used to be incredibly terrible at telling people how I truly feel about them. I don't think I'm that much better now.

3)I cannot stand habitually unpunctual people. I want to stab them.

4)I like folding plastic bags. I do it unconsciously most of the time.

5)It annoys me that I can still fit into kid's clothes at this age. I'm not anexoric, just asian and small.

6) I can never go back to Hong Kong again. Too much family drama. I don't have the inclination to want to deal with all that.

7)I don't feel guilty that I am not close to many my family members. I don't fit into their standards of what should be expected of me. oh well.

8)Grape is still my favourite pez candy flavour.

9)I don't tend to show my emotions too easily. Maybe it comes from years of hiding in the past.

10) There are certain things I'll never speak of about my childhood and teenage years. EVER.

11) I like to play music trivia with myself. I'd listen to some random song anywhere (mostly in public) and try to name facts about it. It amuses me.

12) I love the smell of cut grass when it's slightly damp.

13) I flew in 7 planes just this year. It makes me want to gag thinking about it.

14) When I was a little kid I thought it weird how some people never went overseas.

15) But then again I had a lot of stupid thoughts as a kid.

16)I like to eat sandwiches in a park. If I can lie on a blanket, perhaps with some good company, even better.

17) I wish I had kept up practicing my French before I forgot most of it. If you ask me to read words I can pronounce them quite well though.

18) I want to go winter camping. It would be nice to be asked.

19) I always have this fear that I'll somehow end up failing myself again. Perhaps that is why I push myself so hard now.

20) I want to brew my own beer someday. And soy milk too.

back from the land of hello kitty and flat bums!

2006-07-16T18:42:00.000-04:00

I'm back, in case anyone cares.

I'm quite too jetlagged to type a proper post right now, so I'll just write a few short sentences.

I'm really annoyed at my family for me wanting to go out and have a few drinks with S and K tonight. I hate it when my mom guilt trips me. wtf?

Too much intense family and extended family time I say. I need some space.

Move over people, I need beer STAT.

Going to the land of cheap knockoffs and cheap labour

2006-06-21T16:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm off to Asia for a month. Looking forward to it.

People have been telling me I need the time away, so hopefully this break will do me good.

Things I'm not happy with about going away though:

-K isn't convinced that she is able to squeeze in my suitcase, even though I promised her I'd feed and her and such
-Thoughts about job hunting still popping in my brain. I need to learn to relax
-Spending more time with my extended family than I care to

Other than that, it should be fun. I'll take lots of photos and promise to post them as soon as I get back.

Until then, don't have too much fun without me.

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it...

2006-06-05T09:15:00.000-04:00

I feel so awesome when I'm with her. I really do. I feel really special and important when I'm with her, and it's been a while since I've felt that.

Every time I see her I get butterflies in my stomach and I try not to giggle incessantly like a little school girl. I want to hold her hand. I want to kiss her madly until my hair and clothes are disheveled. I can't stop thinking about her and I don't' want to stop.

I've thought of a few metaphors to express how I'm feeling:

1) I feel like a fat Swiss kid in a chocolate factory

2) I feel like I keep winning the lottery everyday (though I wish that were literally true too)

3) I feel like I've just bought my first pez dispenser

4) I feel like carbon dioxide in a can of coca cola

I sit with anticipation until I can see her again.

Just call me ecstatic, the ninth dwarf

2006-05-31T09:16:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here wide awake, trying to sleep in. Obviously that plan went out the window.

I'm weirdly skeptical for some reason, things have been going so well for the past couple of days that I feel some impending doom will soon come. Damn me and my pessimistic nature. I mean working for the Congress was a breeze. My supervisor came by three times throughout the last four days, I could set my own lunch hour(s), and dictate what needs to be done. Most of the time, it was just me sitting there, giving out programs to members, giving them directions, and sitting on my ass reading books. I got through two really huge texts (over 300 pages I think) and finished half a book. I was pretty productive.

I felt guilty for about two days when I had a two hour lunch break, ran off to socialize with professors, graduate students and other people. I also went to a few conferences, and I got to meet him and her. It's exciting to know that there are smart people out there.

I was getting paid to do the easiest job in the world, trust me it was a nice change from the usual craziness that I endure quite a bit it seems.

And social life-wise is better it seems. I've been keeping in contact with more people, gained some new links into the world of academia, and actually talked my friend's ear off last night (considering how I hate to use the phone).

Yay for good days!

Just call me burnt out, the eighth dwarf.

2006-05-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

ugh.

It's three weeks into my supposed summer vacation and I'm still as busy as ever. I don't think I realized until yesterday night how stressed I feel. It's not a good feeling to have, since I am trying to relax as much as possible. Seriously, are there times when you absolutely hate the world and want to stab everyone (ok, except for one person, you know who you are) and make them go away? ugh.

The sleep deprivation's kicking, the "I'm cranky and anything you say that will offend me will be last words you say" mood is in full effect. I'm just warning people around me, bear in mind I'm quite snippy this and next week, possibly the week after (I certainly hope not).

I've been keeping this mental list in my head and it's driving me nuts. I'm typing it here so I can see what my schedule is like:

1) Job hunting, job hunting, and more job hunting. I didn't get to 10 schools (I only had a limited driving time) but I did already hand in my resume to about 35+. So I'm not complaining. Now it's just waiting to hear from A) the individual schools B)the other school board I applied to see if I'm on the recommended list. Good times.

2)work, work, and more work. I'm going to be working for these people (super excited and totally looking forward to it, especially the book fair!) for about 4/5 days. 12 hour shifts per day. Oh well, at least it's a good break from this hellhole. I cannot wait until I can save up enough to pay back my student loans (2 more months!) so I can tell a certain manager where to stuff that pickle and walk outta there with a huge grin on my face.

3) planning for my upcoming trip. I'm looking forward to it, if my bloody father would stop complaining and being so indecisive. Many "family meetings" later, we've come the conclusion that it's up to my dad to make all the decisions. And believe me it's not a good thing.

4)photoshoots. I've been trying to start two this summer. One seems to be on it's way, I just need to contact the models/volunteers again and I'm going to try and set up a schedule. The second one is proving to be a little harder since I somehow misplaced my sketchbook (good ol' roy, RIP) and I have to remember my ideas for that one again. Plus I miss shooting with my buddy. sigh.

5)spending time with certain people. Really, I need to start finding time to have a life. Although sitting around and doing nothing (ok, maybe not absolutely nothing, tee hee) sounds pretty good right about now.

That seems like it. For some reason it doesn't look like a lot of stuff. I think.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

2006-05-14T21:20:00.000-04:00

I feel slightly less paranoid about the situation now. I've thought about moving blogs, but honestly, if people really wanted to find me, it's not that hard. So I'm just going to be slightly more careful about posting about work life. I'll leave that in "reality".

A lot has happened since I last posted. Most of it good. Actually, really good. I had a weird (or not so weird?) sense that K and I would end up together after all this time. And I'm right. And I'm really glad about it. I think the only reason I was really hesitant about saying anything in the first place was simply the fact that I had somehow convinced myself that she moved on, found a better life in BC and that was that. When she came back, I also told myself that more than a year was a long time to still like somebody. But that was all stupid thinking and me being an utter fool. I'm definitely going to listen to my instincts much more from now on.

I feel so bloody awesome and increasingly hopeful about what's going to happen. And I must say that is a really nice feeling to have.

Though I must say I'm scared that I'm going to fuck it up. I'm not sure where these feelings come from, perhaps it stems from the period before she left. I don't ever not want to be able to tell her things or feel I have to hide stuff. These feelings could be stupid and dumb, and who knows, they probably are. All I really know is that I really really really want this to work out.

I think back to events involving us three years ago and it's quite a lovely story about how it lead to the unfolding of events last week.

What is it about sitting near a body of water that makes everything so wonderful, or was it the company I was with?

The Internet Sucks

2006-05-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

So it has come to this...

It has come to my attention that some of my students and perhaps future students (once I'm a certified teacher) has come across this blog.

Some of the content I definitely do not want them to see.

So until this is all sorted I'm going to stop blogging for now.

If you need to find me, email me.

Love,

Sarah

Can Summer Come Now?

2006-04-24T21:06:00.000-04:00

Summer cannot come soon enough.

I'm tired, cranky and annoyed. And yes, I'm PMSing. I think I was last week too, since I noticed now how my whinging and whining has toned down a bit today. I'm leaving my last post up as a constant reminder to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. I absolutely hate public whining. Like I don't have anything else better to do. Heck, I made my students scrub desks (and parts of the floor) last week because the photo chemical smells got soo bad. I don't think they like that very much (heh).

I've got about two more weeks to go and then I'm officially done my teaching block. Then it's handing out resumes and going to interviews. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to that. I was cleaing my room and kept imagining how great it would be to finally start a career and doing all the things I've wanted to do. Seriously, I'm excited. I'm going to be quite busy but I'm ready for it.

I also cannot wait for the summer to do the following:
-Whitewater rafting (in Taiwan! yeah!)
-My trip to China (yeah!)
-more photoshoots ( I want to do more night photography, since lately I'm zonked out by 9pm)
-learn a new language (I don't know which one yet)
-finally reading books on my list
-do more hiking (hopefully with these guys)
-camping (even more hardcore this time around)

I might add more to this list. maybe.

Random SOC (sort of)

2006-04-14T23:52:00.000-04:00

Again I feel quite disorganized as far as life and daily activities goes. With the recent situation at my house this morning, to just some nagging issues we've got going on, I've been slightly stressed. I'm trying not to really complain much about it, because I get more stressed talking about it. So I'm laying low.

This is not new. There's been this ongoing cycle of decent times at the house, then bad, then neutral and the cycle begins again. It is really until I am able to have my own space that I think I can fully not feel too involved with problems that are not my own. Granted, I'll never be able to completely not involve myself with my parent's problems, but I think at least I can feel I can step away from it for a while. Having my own room helps, at least there is a space that I can retreat to when I really need to calm down. And perhaps it's partially my fault that I get myself involved, but I can't help it. If I am in a position to help I would do it in a heartbeat, even if it means stress every now and then.

My friend R has been quite helpful and supportive through most of the drama. He's been encouraging me a lot lately to just move out and be own my own, I'm certainly capable of it. He wants me to stay with him if my room is not enough to get away from some of the stress. Quite kind of him, and I will gladly take him up on his offer if needed. I don't exactly want the situation from last January to happen again.

I lie to people when they ask why I'm still at home. I'm finacially pretty sound, I have quite a bit put back and all. I dont' bother telling people much of this simply because I do want to keep this private. I think the main reason why I'm still there is because of my mom. It's been quite stressful already when I was living with my cousin, coming in and out of the house in the past. And I know I'm going to constantly worry what the heck is going on with her. And I'm not sure I'll feel right if I just packed my bags and moved right now. It sounds silly I know, but I can't help feeling this way.

You know, I'm really not sure what the point of this post is anymore.

Ms. Graduate

2006-04-07T08:59:00.000-04:00

My last class was done on Tuesday.
So far I've celebrated it with the following:
-Drinking with my professor and classes. I didn't contribute to a dime of that (which I sort of feel guilty about, but if I felt that guilty I would have paid for drinks)
-Drinking Guinness with my Irish Poetry Class (how fitting)
-Emailed everybody I want to keep in touch with
-Sitting down with one of my Professor's son and watching Spongebob Squarepants (I was over at his house with some other classmates having dinner)

I feel more tired than I did earlier this week. ugh.

yokies!

2006-03-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

I hope this post goes through! Blogger chewed and spat my previous posts into internetgalatic space, and they are lost forever. Oh well, they weren't important anyway.

So I'm busy, yet again. Three more weeks of hard strenuous labour for school, and I'm a university graduate. It's exciting, it really is. But I don't feel it because A) I'm tired B) I'm stressed out C) I am loathing doing all this work. I'm this close to paying someone to finish my projects. But I'm broke. And I'm free labour. sigh.

In Lieu of all this chaos, the rise in what I like to call "procrastination emails" or the "I'm purposely bored so I'll just send any old random email/quiz I can find while googling on the internet" syndrome. I had the following emailed to me a couple of times from friends who also hate and want to refuse to do work like me.

I'm going to be efficient and blog it. I'm so smart.

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Robin Hood Camps
2. The Gap
3. Pickle Barrel
4. Emerald Hills Golf Club

4 movies I would watch over and over:
1. Bend It Like Beckham
2. High Fidelity
3. The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert
4. Wallace and Gromit

4 places I have lived:
1. Honk Kong
2. Vancouver
3. Scarborough
4. Markham

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Spongebob Squarepants
2. Pilot Guides
3. Survivorman
4. CSI Miami

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Australia
2. Hawaii
3. Paris
4. Rome

Four web sites I visit daily:
1. My York email account
2. Gmail
3. The Weather Network
4. Web Sudoku

Four of my favourite foods:
1. Chicken Wings
2. Chocolate Cake
3. Yoghurt
4. Tofu (seriously!)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. In my Bed
2. Costa Rica
3. Stereolab Concert
4. Australia

gai paree

2006-02-04T22:34:00.000-05:00

I finally scanned some of my favourite images from my trip to Paris.

Let me state for the record that I officially hate tourists. Yes, I was one of them, but I never stood in anybody's way when others wanted to take a photo, talk loudly in my own language so it causes so much air polution, and other things that drive me nuts. This is why I go camping, to get away from that lot. I really don't mind crowds, but seriously, I vote that tourists become their own colony. And bring back the fun in mediated cultural experience!

Just click on the thumbnails for the larger image:

I was royally pissed off at the number of tour groups that decided that nearly knocking me over was acceptable. I was trying to take a decent photo in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles, and this was what I came up with. I wished that you could see the anger on my face. At least my camera looks good, if somewhat blurry. It's the mirror's fault. Damn restoration commitee.

This has to be one my my favourite photos. I had to get outside to get away from all the people. It was a pretty windy day so not that many people went outside to look at the gardens. Even then, I had to wait at least twenty minutes so there were no people in my shot.

One of the many greenery at Versailles. I love the design. Reminds me of a spider for some reason.

An overall view at one section of the gardens at Versailles. I'm debating whether or not I actually like the contrast, or whether my scanner is crap.

An image of the Military School from the Eiffel Tower. I might have to muck around with the image more, it was a pretty hazy day.

I like this image because it reminds me of how crowded Paris is. Yet another view from the Eiffel Tower, and tres hazy.

woah

2006-01-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

I had no idea I was going to be away for so long.

But I am back, to those who may/may not have missed me.

I'm not sure there is anything interesting to blog about at the moment, except I have been doing a heck of a lot of soulsearching and thoughts about the future that have been circulating through my brain.

This may be a bit passe to talk about, but I'm going to do it anyway. Personally, I hate New Year's resolutions, and I haven't made them in quite some time, but I thought this year I'd do it. Why, you ask? Because I'm graduating, looking for a job, going to put on the role of an adult soon. And as scary as that sounds to some people I cannot wait. I changed the title to New Life Resolutions because then it'd motivate me to keep them. I have about five, and I have a feeling this list will keep growing:

1) Do not be afraid of change: I have seen a couple of friends stuck in the same routine six months after they graduated. And they don't even like their situation! I have concluded that they are scared for the future and the desire to be in a safe routine is much more alluring than working and being responsible. I vow not to do this to myself. I'd rather be unhappy striving for a goal or change, rather than complaining about staying in the same place. Fuck, that thought scares me everyday.

2)Appreciate people: I am more than grateful for the numerous opportunites to become a better person, and without these people I would not be here. I don't ever want to take these people for granted. ever.

3)Keep collecting Pez: It makes me happy. shut up.

4)Never stop reading: If my brain doesn't get enough exercise, I get dumb. And frankly, looks only last so long, I need something else to brag about.

5)Accept that recovery is life-long: I certainly cannot erase what stupid things/drugs/etc. I've done in the past. Yes, I won't lie, I have been tempted at times. But I've made a promise to myself that I will never ever stray towards that path again. I can tell you it is not as fun as rich people make it out to be. I think that the struggle to stay clean is a sign that I actually care about myself and being alive. So there is hope for me, I think.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-20T15:24:00.000-05:00

so much shopping. so little time.

I am honestly sick of shopping malls. crowds. inconsiderate people who don't understand the definition of waiting in line. I was really annoyed at this one old lady who pretended to act senile so she could walk to the front of the line and try to pay for control top panythose. she had the nerve to look back at us and ask "I have to wait in THIS LINE?!" Excuse me while I sit in a corner and scream.

Well I am looking forward to seeing my friends and catching up on old times. And Paris. Definitely Paris. I should start packing, I am going in four days.

Well have fun everyone. I'll see you all in the new year.

semi-sane, thank god

2005-12-09T11:21:00.000-05:00

I think the break did me well. After typing A LOT of stuff, I am literally sick of even looking at the keyboard. One day I literally spent SIX HOURS working on a couple of major essays and I fell asleep at my desk. Sigh, the life of a studious little nerd. The month of November took a lot out of me, and I'm glad that's all over with, until next semester that is.

When I relax, I R-E-L-A-X. I had loads of fun this week and the one before it, including:
-getting pretty drunk with my favourite Professor of all time. French people rock! Somehow we both invented a dance in high school we were both embarrassed to admit to, and showed it to others who were with us that afternoon. I managed to stumble to my other class, spoke with her, and headed back to the pub where him and my friend were still there. Good times.
-drinking again the next day with my scultpture class. I'm not an alchololic I swear.
-sleeping. Oh my gosh if I could pursue that as a career I would.
-Drinking a ton of lattes using my friend's new cappucino machine and watching Bromwell High and Spongebob Squarepants reruns

Among all this funfest I also found out the following:

I AM GOING TO PARIS!
I am SO excited. I'm boarding a plane Christmas Eve and arrive Christmas day. My cousin and I were talking about spending New Year's Eve at the Eiffel Tower, allowing time to sleep in and recover the next day, and flying back to Toronto. I cannot wait, it'll be interesting to see what how Paris changed the last time I was there. I'm am going to take the exact same photo at the same spot like that one, it'll be oh so awesome.

can't. keep. eyes. open.

2005-11-18T21:13:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a much needed break from blogging (and maybe the internet?) for a little bit. I sit in front of the computer all day typing essays, lesson plans and assignments, and frankly, typing more stuff feels like a chore.

This seems like a weird website. Should I write to it?

Sarah=Sarah Alongside Rationality Are Hoaxes

2005-11-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

I like artists and how lovely and spontaneous they are. Probably being an artist myself, I can tolerate stranger behaviour than the average person. I was slightly losing my mind (as usual, too much work, so little time) so I thought I'd take a break and have lunch with some people in my "Teaching Art" class.

I love this bunch. They are honestly the funniest and weirdest bunch I've ever encountered. I had to make an extra effort in order not to laugh and spit food in their spaces. Although that would have been an interesting performance art piece. Hmmm..maybe I'll consult with them and see about that.

Going back to what I was saying, the converation ended up with me joining them all in a minivan driving up to Kitchener (a hour's drive away on the freeway from Toronto) to meet T's mom. I have no idea why I agreed, but I'm glad I went. Being the tinest (and shortest) of the group, the mother hovered over me and decided that once and for all that she needed to feed me because I was in danger of being an anexoric. lol. Beer and pasta later, I was a happy camper.

After all that we ended up going to the local hardware store, bought spray paint, and decided we wanted to create art. no not graffiti, art. We went back to T's house and upstairs to his room. We laughed, we cried, we spraypainted. I wish my camera was there so I could upload some photographs.

By the time we drove back, I had a really intense conversation with the person I was sitting beside and agreed to go on a date with him. yes, I said date. If you've been following this blog, that was something I consciously put on hold. I must have been caught in the moment, or it really is a cry for help in the name of my sanity. Who knows, we're going out tomorrow and I'd feel like a jerk if I back out now. I think it'll be fun, I remember him making me laugh a lot that day, so I hope he'll do the same tomorrow.

And I didn't feel guilty once for wasting a day instead of actually being productive and catching up on my work. Progress!

finally

2005-11-04T19:56:00.000-05:00

well my computer is up and running once again. thank goodness. because i'm tired (i can't even be arsed to type capital letters for geezus-sakes!) i'm just going to post more memes, simply because i actually find it somewhat fun. hey, it's better than going on a rant about life.

10 things you didn't know about me:
1. i used to have this really horrible fear about flushing toilets in the middle of the night, or in the dark/low light conditions. still do sometimes.

2. when i was 15 i didn't think i would see myself to be 20.

3. i wore only purple for three months when i was 14.

4. there are times when i think i am too ambitious for my own good. i don't realize timeframes for completing something.

5. i hate suburbia, and people who have lived all their lives in suburbia where their parents pay for everything. i hate conversations i find myself in when it comes to disposable income with these sorts of people.

6. i am a good welder. seriously.

7. i used to sing christmas carols really loudly in the halls in highschool during december to piss people off.

8. i love the fact that i am an A cup.

9. i was a bully back when i was grade school. i would threaten boys and run and try to pull their pants down. in another incident, i engaged in a grass fight against the boys in my grade (by myself) and i won. i got into major trouble when one of the boys told the teacher about both incidents.

10. i tell people i'm a lesbian sometimes if i want to avoid talking to ignorant people about my sexuality. i came out 8 years ago, so i wasn't part of the trend and media influence, wankers.

It's still not working!

2005-10-28T14:36:00.000-04:00

It's pathetic. I'm staying at my cousin's momentarily so I can use the computer. It's hard when both my father and I need the computer 24/7 and there is only one available. Now I don't have to stay late on campus walking around with broken streelights (what do I pay tuition for?) worrying whether somebody will attack me or not. That's life for you.

Not much is really new but I have realized just how much people are encouraging me and want me to be successful in the art world. It's funny, I really didn't think I was capable of making more than just simple photos that delighted me. Now I'm actually looking at securing a membership at an artist community and showcasing my works every year.

Is this the direction I want to head into? I'm not sure, but I am excited about what the future possesses for me. I somehow knew in my heart that I'm capable of greater feats than I imagine. I guess I have to admit that I am right for now.

Now the main issue I have to worry about is time. Deadlines for EVERYTHING is approaching and it's slightly stressing me out that I need to be an efficient genius. Can somebody invent a time machine, or that contraption Herminone used in that previous Harry Potter movie? I'd be forever grateful.

I try, but I can't seem to get along with you.

2005-10-20T19:40:00.000-04:00

My computer is on the fritz AGAIN. I was typing out lesson plans and trying to get school work done when Miles (yeah I named it) decided to throw a tantrum and not let me use the internet. Then not being able to open certain programs. It goes on an on.

So I'm stuck with staying late on campus to use their computer facilities, staying at school to get lesson plans typed up, and begging friends and others to let me use their computer. I think my computer is like a terrible lover. It's mediocre and then you realize you can do much better. Sigh.

I'm not sure when I'll get this fixed. I hope it will be soon because midterms are coming up and I feel like I want to use PMS as an excuse as to why I'm tired and cranky all the time now.

So until I am able to be with Miles again, I'll just post this generic meme I found somewhere:

What time did you get up this morning? 7 AM
Diamonds or pearls? Pearls. I can buy fake ones and still look like I'm rich.
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Wallace and Gromit. RAR!
What is your favourite TV show? Bromwell High. Best new cartoon!
What did you have for breakfast? A toasted bagel with peanut butter and a cuppa tea.
What is your middle name? Ivy. Shut up.
What is your favorite cuisine? I will settle with Chinese. It's what I grew up with.
What foods do you dislike? diet pop, liver, kangaroo (it was the way it was cooked), certain types of hot peppers.
What is your favourite crisp/chip flavour? Sour Cream and onion. Chicken (yes, chicken) is a close second, though we don't' get them here in Canada.
What is your favourite CD at the moment? Life in Slow Motion by David Gray. Couldn't stop listening to it after the concert.
What kind of vehicle do you drive? I take the bus like most broke uni students.
Favourite sandwich? western on white toast. yum.
What characteristics do you despise? fakeness, continual laziness, constant complainers, closed mindedness, (most) conservatives.
Favourite item of clothing? my black Depeche Mode 101 t-shirt. I love you ebay.
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Australia (again), Costa Rica, and more of Canada.
What colour is your bathroom? cream and brown.
What colour pants are you wearing? blue stripey ones.
Where would you retire to? I have no idea. I can't think that far ahead yet.
Favourite time of the day? Sunrise.
What was your most memorable birthday? My 18 birthday.
Where were you born? Hong Kong/China.
What's the last thing you ate? pizza.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Orange. Bright and fun.
Favorite flower? Lily. Although certain kinds give me a headache.
What fabric detergent do you use? Tide.
Coke or Pepsi? Coke.
Do you wish on stars? If I'm camping and I see shooting stars.
What is your shoe size? American, 6 1/2
Do you have any pets? My dog Richie. Love him to bits.
Last person you talked to on the phone? My friend V.
What did you want to be when you were little? A beatnik poet living on the streets of NYC. No lie.
What are you meant to be doing now? Doing readings for my three 4th year English classes.
What do you first notice about someone? Height? Their eyes and hair. And presence.
Siblings? I have a younger sister.
What was your favourite toy as a child? GI Joe.
Summer or winter? I like winter if it's mild. But summer has its advantages too.
Hugs or Kisses? Hugs. Safer.
Chocolate or vanilla? both.
When was the last time you cried? From sadness or joy? Joy, I believed when I watched Oprah (damn you!)
What is under your bed? nothing. I keep it clean for feng shui.
How many countries have you visited? USA, Canada, Korea, Australia, China, Thailand, England, France, Italy,
In how many cities have you lived? Four.
Favourite movie of all time? I have no idea.
Mountains or beach? mountains.

sick. ugh

2005-10-13T11:25:00.000-04:00

Well, I knew this would happen. No matter what, somebody in my family will get sick and it'd be passed onto me. So now I'm in some physical pain, can't really move one shoulder (which is NOT good when I need to be getting my welding project done. Damn studio assignments) and am left wondering when I'll use up my next box of tissue.

Enough complaining about that. I've finally managed to grab what is not stolen from my collection of polariods at the Pezography reception. I'm actually glad I dragged my ass off the couch and actually decide to submit a portfolio. Only good things can come from actually putting some decent effort into something. Well, here they are (click on each image to enlarge):

Colm (one of the models, click here to see!) and I. Aren't we so cute?

The art director having a little bit of fun. Sorry, Wonder Woman KICKS ASS. No matter how small she his.

I'm being narcissistic. Look at me I'm so pretty. It's my night, so shut up.

Two of my best friends, having fun with one of my installations. Yay to tea parties!

DON'T TOUCH! HAHAHAHAHA...

What's going to happen next? Pezography 2. Hopefully it'll be funnier and weirder than the last one.

can't we all just get along?

2005-10-01T20:30:00.000-04:00

Toronto Pride 2005 (click on image to enlarage)

I've recently come across an interesting and well written blog about what it means to be homosexual and closeted. I'd recommend going to Straight Talking if you're at all interested.

Reading her blog and others got me thinking about the many years it has been since I myself came out. It certainly wasn't easy, and neither will it ever be. There are times where I still get into moments of self doubt and have to reassess my perspective on a lot of things. Ocasinally I want to whine and complain about my problems, and (very rarely do) I try to talk to a friend about it. I always end up getting a response such as "But you came out 8 years ago. Shouldn't you be sure of yourself by now?"

But will I? Why does declaring one's sexuality have to be so fixed and static, black and white? What if I say I am a lesbian, does that mean I'll automatically have to accept it and be proud of it? Sure, the media and its images have been kinder to us lot, but it doesn't mean people are more accepting or that it's easier to deal with. I still get hurt when somebody refers to me as 'undecided' or 'sitting on the fence'. Yes, names do hurt. Although I've had eight years dealing with it, I don't think I'll stop having moments of self doubt once in a while. And I accept that. But it doesn't mean I'm not proud of who I am. Not in the least bit.

My new issue (not really) is about entering the educational system knowing that it's catered to heterosexual students. How do I deal with this? I already see this kind of discrimination happening in the very program that is propelling me into the field. I've asked certain people about this issue and tried to get a couple of discussions going, but nobody seems to want to talk about it. And as I am nearer to graduation I wonder what lies ahead, what I will do. I see and know certain students in my placement now that are going through the sorts of things I went through when I was a teen. And I want to know what is being done to help and/or guide them.

Am I being too idealistic? I certainly hope not. If there are educators out there who read this, I'd love some feedback.

muah!

2005-09-26T20:23:00.000-04:00

Thank you to everyone who showed up to the Pezography reception this past Wednesday. I got to meet new faces and catch up with old friends. You all made it superfun. I don't have the few polariods I took that night, but I will scan and post them up as soon as I have it. And thank you to my dear friend V for making a lovely Pez bouquet! I'm still eating the candy she frosted on flower shaped cards. I'll have to take a photo of that before I massacre it.

So this past week I've been trying to give myself a mental break, and so far it seems to have worked. I made myself schedule one full day off every week so I could unwind and relax, and I sincerly hope I can keep that up.

I took Sunday off to go to this literary festival that happens every year in Toronto (Word on the Street). I was carrying around Bitch magazinethat I just had purchased, and local lesbians and feminists alike kept stopping me and wanted to converse with me. Who knew some pages printed on nice paper and stapled together would attract such attention. One notable woman, out to advertise the rabble.ca podcast, showed me her "What Would Joan Jett Do?", telling me I'd enjoy it. I want the damn shirt, it's in my size too! I'd rip it off if it wasn't so indecent. Though with those boobs, she'd be doing the world a favour..

Ok, I'm getting distracted. Time to drink more tea and bounce around to my favourite Funk Man, James Brown.

zzzzzzzzzzz.......

2005-09-18T15:20:00.000-04:00

I wonder what people think of me sometimes. I find myself thinking that every time I speak with someone, whether it's offline, online, stranger, lover, friend. I get increasingly self conscious when I'm late. I'm shy when I'm in a crowd. I also find that lately I'm apologizing for a lot of things. I'm not sure what is my fault and what is not anymore. The two words 'I'm sorry' keep spilling out of my mouth and the authenticity in it is gone. What have I done again? Should I stand here while you yell at me? Do you need a tear or two to make it all seem like I'm genuinely sorry? As well, I seem to have a never ending to-do list. What else do you want me to do? Sure I can squeeze you in. Sure, one more favour, why the heck not? You want me to listen to your problems? Ok.

It is these situations and more that had lead to a recent diagnosis of suffering from exhaustion and burnout. Listening to my doctor's instructions, for the past two weeks I've been changing my diet, tried to get into a stable and regular sleeping pattern, and try to distance myself from anything that was ultimately stressing me out. Others seem so much more concerned than I am and have taken the pains to ensure I am trying my best to be better. But it's still hard. I'm getting frustrated at things coming left and right at me. I cannot distance myself from my source of frustration. I cannot distance myself from you, from school, from other obligations. So how do I unwind, I implore you?

I feel all I can do is cry and yell and throw up my hands in frustration and nobody is around to catch me.

*No, I am not drunk. I apologize for the overly emo post. I figure I only do this every once in a while. I'll return to my usual self soon enough.

I love Pez. Duh.

2005-09-06T23:09:00.000-04:00

Yay to Kirkkitsch for posting this lovely blog about his pez collection. I don't think I've formally posted any photos or blogged about my pez collection. Goodness me, how is that an introduction to me if nobody knows about my slight obsession with them? After all, I've devoted an entire photography series and gallery to them!

Unfortunately my camera batteries have died and I'll have to recharge them before I can go crazy with posting photos all over the place. So for now I'll post another Pezography reject, which I'll just name "Kirkkitsch is ubercool!" since his blog inspired this one:

(Click on the image for larger view)

S, the model is so wonderful to work with. She is always ready and willing to pose for (almost) anything I ask her to, and when I told her I wanted her to pose with some pez dispensers, she was ready and willing! The concept here is a mock of a 50s housewife (or just a housewife/ MILF) doing mundane errands. In this case walking a dog and a pez dispenser.

The only reason this is a reject is because I needed a vertical shot and this a horizontal one. Other than that I really liked the way the composition turned out, and the way she stares out at the viewer, looking so hot and serious makes me bowl over in laughter. We were cracking up and making up more ideas on the spot in-between each shot. I wish someone were there to record those conversations. That was such a fun day.

um, so, yeah, like, I hate losers.

2005-09-05T20:06:00.000-04:00

Me: Hello?
M: uh, hi. I don't know if you remember me or anything.
Me: well, you could remind me.
M: Well, I'm, um. G's friend. I spoke with you for a bit at the BBQ the week.
Me: Oh
M: I hope you don't mind, but I got your phone number from your friend, and I thought I'd call.
Me: Ok.
M: Well, the reason I called was, well I was wondering, um, if we could hang out sometime?
Me: Well when do you expect this to happen?
M: Well, I don't know, I was wondering what your schedule was.
Me: I have no idea. I could check it and give you a call later perhaps.
M: sure. I'll give you my number.
Me: Ok.

I never called her back.

heh?

2005-09-02T00:41:00.000-04:00

I'm confused about the idea of relationships. Let me rephrase that: I'm confused that I'm confused about the potential of forming relationships. Certainly I've had my fair share of racking my brains and unintentionally hurting people because of this confusion. And I do not do it on purpose.

I think I need a break from people. I really don't see what people see in me. I don't understand what it is sometimes that makes these people I talk to and hang out with like me. Dare I say pursue me even. And I feel bad I cannot feel the same way too for some odd reason.

So how have I become so skeptical about finding someone to connect with? I have no idea. But I do know that I'm having loads of fun being single and I prefer having it this way. I don't want to deal with waiting by the phone, trying extra hard to be more considerate than usual, and finding the time to be with someone. Yeah, I'm being selfish, at least I can admit that.

So I need people to stop calling me. I need people to stop telling me I'm pretty. I need people to stop asking me out. I also need people to stop telling me that being with someone will be good for me. What I need is to learn how to be happy BY MYSELF. And I am. So leave me alone.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to have someone lying next to me and hug me while I fall asleep. But that's so trivial.

Pezography Reject #1

2005-08-21T18:19:00.000-04:00

I thought that since I'm still busy sorting and editing photos for my show, I'd show you the ones that aren't going to make it. They're not horrid, but somehow didn't fit into the concept I'm doing or I had to make the choice to edit them down. This one I love but I'm not including (Click on the image for a larger version):

This image is great on its own, but it seemed excessive when I placed it with the other images I was working with. I love how Colm (my model) looks so nonchalant next to the row of pez dispensers. I think the overall mood the photo conveys makes it interesting. I was torn making this image grainer or not, because the pez dispensers' details would have been lost.

The other funny thing about this was it took a bit of time to set up the shots, simply because the dispensers kept falling down and wouldn't cooperate with me. Who knew little plastic things could be such brats, lol.

I'll post more in due time. I don't want to show ones I'll consider rejects then decide to use them later. That would be stupid.

And now a moment of your time...

2005-08-15T13:59:00.000-04:00

I'm bloody exhausted. And when I'm tired, I run on some sort of adrenlin that makes me superfantastico hyper and I cannot help but hurl sarcastic comments and pump my fist in the air. Yeah!

So close to being done the exhibit. Now I just have to plow through the bureaucratic shiznit that goes along with it. I have never wanted September to come sooner. If you submited your mailing address for an invite, the list is already sent in, and expect yours to come late August.

All I'm working on now is an installation that I'm hoping will get done soon. I'm peeling away at pez candy and generally making a mess of my room. Did you know that hot glue actually burns and/or stings your fingers? I keep accidentally dripping hot glue on the SAME SPOT on the SAME FINGER. Goddamnit.

I'm so delusional it's not even funny. Did I already mention I cannot wait until September?

I have an excuse I swear!

2005-08-03T17:23:00.000-04:00

Sorry everyone. I haven't been around because I've been busy with offline projects. This is what I'm trying to complete:

I'm excited. And if you are living in the area or will be there, I'd love it if you drop by.

I am still around. You can email me if you want. And I don't mind chatting on msn either :)

[edit: The rest of my camping trip photos are up here. Check them out if you are so inclined.]

Camping Trip, Part one: Injuries Galore

2005-07-13T15:40:00.000-04:00

The day of the trip was pretty exciting. I was looking forward to getting away from all the traffic and spending quality time among nature. S shows up with his gear and I lug mine into his. Off to the grocery store to pick up some last minute items. I was deadset on having good food that night, but S, being the ever indecisive and picky one, couldn't figure out what he wanted to eat. So I said fuck it, and bought canned soup. Off we went on the freeway to freedom!

I had no idea it would be such a nervous drive. I've sat in the passenger seat of S's car many times, and I understand his need for speed and weaving in and out of lanes. I kept holding onto anything in the car, and I mean ANYTHING. I tried to take a nap, but I had way too much sleep the night before. S laughed at my discomfort, but the fact remains: I was SCARED for my life. I brought along a magazine to read, and it calmed me down for a bit. Finally we get off the freeway to go north, and as we headed to get gas, I laughed. I had the worse giggle fits, and S starts laughing at the sight of me. I screamed through tears of laughter "If you ever do that again, go fuck yourself!" I wonder what everybody thought of that scene in the parking lot.

To really tell you the extent to how fast he was driving, we left Toronto and stopped at Napanee (yeah, home of Avril Lavigne) in an HOUR. It usually takes TWO HOURS.

Oh, but the fun of driving doesn't stop there. We had about two or more hours to go (at that driving rate, I honestly thought we'd get there in half the time it usually takes, which is about 4+ hours). Onto the highway we go! What scares/ makes me the most nervous is turning on curves in backcountry roads at enormous speeds. S was doing that. I tried looking at the map, anything really, to get my mind off the fact that I was driving with a lunatic. I kept giggling, S started giggling again seeing how nervous I was, and slowed down from time to time to make me feel better.

But both him and I weren't prepared for what happened next:

The highway had two lanes, and at some point decided to change into one. S and I were in the left lane. A pickup truck with a trailer and a boat attached to it (it was like a bloody road train) decided to change lanes. IT DID NOT CHECK ITS BLIND SPOT OR WE WERE POSITIONED SOMEWHERE WHERE HE COULD NOT SEE US. It started changing lanes, and both cars (ours and his) were at least driving at 100km/hr. S and I see this, he swerves into the opposite lane, and breaks his heart out. The truck/trail/boat missed us by literally an INCH. Thank goodness there weren't cars in the oncoming lane. Thank god the brakes were working. S drives back onto the right lane and we sat there for a good five minutes until we were calmed down enough to forge ahead.

Thank the bloody lord there was nothing more of that sort from that point until we reached the campsite.

I was much more relaxed once we pitched the tent and changed into our swimming gear. Our site was hear the beach and lake and I forgot all the horrid stuff we (more so I) went through getting there. We ran into the lake and swam and splashed water like little kids and inhaling sugar.

First five minutes in the lake: I gash my foot on a sharp rock. It cut into flesh. I saw blood, a lot of blood. Sigh.

I remember S and I joking about how worried I am about him and how he's going to get all these injuries. How ironic. I made him pull out the first aid kit, and I swore he was laughing behind me when I bandaged myself up. He went swimming some more while I napped at the beach. Both our stomachs started growling so we headed back to the site for some grub.

I love campfire. I really do. When we threw logs and watched the flames grow bigger it made me forget about my horrid gash on my foot. We started with tea and sugar we stole from work (Don't tell anyone! shhh!) and ate our hearts out. Feeling all domestic, I go wash our pots while S tended the fire. I went exploring and found a dock and a bench we can go watch stars at.

At last it got dark. We put the fire out, finished our beers and lay on the dock. It was so bloody wonderful, with the sound of water splashing and the view of stars you never see in the city. We saw about five shooting stars in total and made a wish with each passing one. We head back after a bit to catch some shut eye for our hiking/backcountry trip for the next few days.

...to be continued...

I'm back!

2005-07-10T16:45:00.000-04:00

I miss the lakes and the forests. I'm still waiting for more photos to be developed (that's the disadvantage to film cameras I guess) so I'll make a post about the whole trip in due time.

The weekend's been great. Just trying to scrub the heck out of all my gear and praying that once they're dry they don't smell like body odor and dirt. I've already scrubbed my pack twice. I don't want to do it again.

Also: I added my email address to those who want to actually contact me outside this blog (I know some of you did anyway...)and am in the process of making my photo album. There's some photos there of me and other stuff, if you care to check it out that is.

Hope all of you had a great weekend!

ta ta for now!

2005-07-01T18:04:00.000-04:00

If you've read previous posts, you'll know I'm going on a 6 day backpacking camping trip with my friend S. I'm a little busy trying to plan last minute items we need at the moment, and I'm slightly tired from all this.

S and my dog are apparently tired too. S more from me nagging him on the importance of planning for a backcountry trip (I bought and planned everything we need, but really, he's a guy, I knew that already, lol.) and my dog for running around my room on a mission to stick his nose into every bag of trail mix he could sniff out. It was funny after S and I ran around, with our huge packs on, chasing him all around the house. I wish I had my camera on me at that point to document all the drama.

So I'll be gone among the wild where bears, birds, and hugeass trees reside. Don't miss me too much.

[edit: Changed my layout, still fixing up little bits. Tell me what you think :)]

Call me back when you're less of a jerk, jerk.

2005-06-25T21:36:00.000-04:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your #1 Love Type: INTP

The Thinker

In love, you are honest and serious about commitment.
For you, sex is something you think about and desire a lot of the time.

Overall, you are pure in your affection and feelings.
However, you tend to be suspicious and distrusting at times.

Best matches: ENTJ and ESTJ

Your #2 Love Type: INFP

The Idealist

In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship.
For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up.

Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive.
However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space.

Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

What's Your Love Type?

grrrrr....J, read this. Then decide to call me when you actually want to talk to me like I am a human being. Somebody please tell me why I allow myself to be treated like this on the phone TWICE and then decide that my ex-boyfriend is a jerk.

I'm so bloody confused I don't even have the energy to type out the whole scenario right now. I'll do it later I promise.

Adrenlin Junkie

2005-06-19T22:06:00.000-04:00

So while I take a break from trying to plan more of this backcountry camping of mine and S's (Why I have to do this myself, I have no idea. Men, I swear.) I might as well delve and ponder further into this interesting situation I'm going to be in during the summer.

I love adrenlin. I live for extreme sports. I've done a number of stupid/crazy things in my time, including the following:

-running away to Europe, buying a plane ticket and packing my bag right after getting into a fight with my father. It involved me arriving into the city centre in the dead middle of the night and sleeping in a park bench in Hyde Park.
-Walking in Alice Springs after sunset, in a street where ANY WOMAN ALONE would have gotten raped and killed. If it weren't for this kid I met earlier, his father the policeman would not have drove to look for me and berated me for doing such a stupid thing
-jumping into Lake Ontario naked.
-whitewater rafting on a sport raft
-backcountry camping for a week with two guys. I can pop a squat anywhere!
-backflipping off cliffs (and I'm no expert)
-Trying to drink three Irish girls under the table (yeah, never again!)

This summer, S decides to take it upon himself-without asking my permission mind you-to sign us up for every possible adventure/extreme thing possible within our vicinity. Last week we went tandem hangliding and we plan to take solo flying lessons soon. Sounds fun, and we had a fun time. It was liberating being in the air, looking around at the fields and the sky beyond me and wanting to be in the air, by myself flying the damn contraption. Soon, I hope, soon. Below are a couple of photos I took of the whole experience, and if S knew how to operate my SLR I would have gotten him to take more (click on the image to go to a larger version):

The Beauty

our hot and sexy gear

In the air!

S after the flight. It was a little hot that day.

Now that's all said and done, he wants me to go with him on more of these events. Bless him, he's a sweet man and all, but I do not want to go broke. I backed out of skydiving next week because I do not have the funds at the moment. I'm not sure whether to be flattered that he wants to spend all this time with me and that I'm the only one he wants to be doing these sorts of things with, or to be seriously freaked out that I'll soon need to marry or sleep with a rich man/woman in order to fund this. These are the events I'm supposedly going on, provided that somebody pays for it all:

-Whitewater kayking
-Whitewater rafting
-More backcountry camping
-A Backcountry canoeing trip
-caving
-rock climbing
-paragliding
-Plane gliding
-Bungee jumping

Frankly I'm already broke just looking at the list.

Stalker Numero Uno, Part Deux

2005-06-15T13:59:00.000-04:00

Sorry, been busy busy busy. I finally have a day off with absolutely nothing to do and it feels great to be bored for once. So I might as well finish this story, and I'll blog about my other creepy stalker experience another time:

I thought I diverted this person after emailing him, since I made it clear I wasn't interested in him. He did stop speaking to me and following me for about a month much to my relief. I started relaxing about where I was going on campus and when I would get to class. Everything seemed peachy keen.

Then he tries to talk to me, and being the nice person I am, I humour him. The whole "Hey, let me follow you around until you are freaked out!" routine started again. I asked a friend of mine to walk with me after class again. I had no idea what I wanted to do at this point. He calls my house soon after this, and forgetting my screening phone call policy, I answer the phone. I remember the conversation going like this (and considering I have the worst memory, it's a miracle):

Me: "Hello?"
C: "Hey."
Me: "Who is this?"
C: "Oh. It's C."
(Pause and me in utter shock)
C: "Hello? Anyway. How are you?"
Me: "Uhhh..good."
C: "I was just wondering. Did you want to study for the midterm tomorrow?"
Me: "Actually no, I'm, uh, meeting a friend at the library around 2pm for something else."
C: "Oh. Ok. I'll see you later then."
Me: "Sure."

I was really meeting a friend that day, thank goodness. I had no other way to tell him off, simply because he caught me off guard.

The next day, I go to look for my friend A, and guess who was also there? I freaked out on A and told him to run into the library. He follows. We ducked into a film classroom and studied there for a bit. We decide to head for coffee at the other side of campus. We saw him sitting there, and decide to come back. We went into the art building to do some photocopying, and as soon as we make our way out, he was sitting in full view of us, and tried to come and say hi. My friend A pushed me and said we had an important meeting at the coffee shop and made to leave.

And guess who followed us?

A, seeing me freak out, went over to him to ask the time. He then proceeds to start takling to him about me. He rambles on and on about how special I, his girlfriend, is to him (I wanted to laugh so hard at this point) and that he gets jealous really easily. At the same time he says this, he starts banging his fists really hard on the table where my stalker was sitting. His face was priceless. We leave, hysterically laughing our bums off.

Now fast forward to three years later. He's in my class and trying to be nice, and I figured I'd talk to him AS A CLASSMATE. He somehow finds out my mobile number and calls it. I'll spare the details because they were pretty much insignificant. Anyhow I was much more direct and I pretty much told him to fuck off. He still tries to email me but I've blocked him and threatened to tell everybody what exactly he has been doing all this time. I don't think his friends even know the extent he went to ask a girl out. I know for a fact that he has no friends beyond high school, now if someone can't see the obvious reason please read Part one from the beginning.

Stalker Numero Uno

2005-06-06T15:38:00.000-04:00

Not sure whether I'm bored and distracting myself until S calls me (technically I could call him, but what is the fun in that? It'll make me seem like I'm dragging him to buy stuff HE needs), or I'm acting on a promise from a comment I left on Misha's blog earlier. But I'm going to reltell my unfortunate experiences with stalkers/internet stalkers, heh. I certainly love MSN and the like for catching with old friends or connecting with others, but two experiences have me becoming seriously skeptical. Here's one of the more "memorable" ones, technically he doesn't count as a internet stalker, but I did chat with him briefly (I hate talking on the telephone):

I met him about 4+ years ago in my first year of uni. He was in my class/tutorial and we were all introducting themselves in the first day of class. I do not remember any conversation with him, like he claims. All I know was that I chatted this guy up about the visual arts program and he happened to be wearing a Depeche Mode t-shirt. While this is happening, our TA passed around a sheet asking us to put our personal information down in case she needed to contact one of us, or if we wanted study partners. Somehow the class came to a conscensus that the TA should photocopy one for every student there, so we could contact each other too. Apparently I have a copy of this somewhere.

For the next few weeks, I sat with the dude with the Depeche Mode t-shirt, or random people I've met around campus. He for the most part sat by himself. I remember (dont' ask me how, since I have the worst memory) sitting down and him sitting in the seat directly in front of me. He looks back and I simle at him. The lecture started and I ignored him for the duration of the class.

Next class, he asks to sit beside me, and not knowing any better, I agree. We start making small talk. This whole routine of asking to sit beside me at every lecture continues, until one day he decides to follow me out of class. I, again, not thinking of this, agreed to eat lunch with him because we both had a hour before our tutorial. I took DM t-shirt man along. Once we say by ourselves at a coffee shop, and this is the point where I start to get creeped out.

In all honestly, I thought he really wanted a friend on campus, but then again I am never the one to judge people's intentions that well...

By this point he kept wanting to follow me after lectures and tutorials. I remember purposely arriving to class late (which I never do because I'm such a nerd) to sit in the back, and running to the toilets right after so he wouldnt' follow me. Same thing with tutorials. I remember asking my friend J to wait for me after class so I'd have an excuse not to associate with him. Sad, I know, but I had no other ideas on how to handle the situation.

Back to the contact sheet. Unbeknownst to me (remember I had no idea we all got a copy, including him), he decides to take this creepy-ness one step further. He called me. I was lounging around in my house with a friend when he calls to ask a question about a project that was not due for a while. He asks if I would help him edit it. Not knowing what to say, I replied that I was on a really busy schedule and if he really wants to email it and I'll look at it if I had time. Again, forgetting about this contact list, I hang up not telling my email address, thinking I foiled him. The next day, I recieved an email from him. Imagine my surprise.

The next few weeks was the same routine, trying to get away from him and deleting/blocking his emails. I screened my phone calls because he apparently left a couple of messages with my mom. She still thinks it's funny to this day how he kept asking for me. I made my friends call my mobile so I'd know it wasn't him.

Again, being the persistent man that he is, he tries to email me. I was in the student centre with J when I read the infamous email.

Now I deleted it after I read it because it scared the shit outta my pants. But I will tell you it was the equivalent of a 5 pg essay, and the topic was "Why I love you". It was a riveting argument on what makes me so beautiful and witty, and why we should go out. My friend thought it was hilarious and wanted to reply posing as me.

I emailed him back saying I was flattered (not really), but that he was not my type and I was dating someone at the time (really). I also said that he should stop calling me because my boyfriend was jealous (not really). He never responded, and I'm assuming he got the email and was embarassed about the whole situation

...To be continued. My hands are tired and S is coming to pick me up.

So your brain is messed up...

2005-05-28T23:19:00.000-04:00

So I sucked up what's left of my pride, and signed up for a mentor at SOY (Supporting our Youth, excellent program in Toronto). Granted, I'm not looking for a quick-fix solution to all the burning questions I have in my brain. I think I'm doing this because I've been looking for someone to share my experiences with, and hopefully have someone share their experiences with me in return.

I remember how difficult it was when I declared my sexuality to myself. I remember crying in a hostel somewhere in London and trying to buy booze to take away the pain. Good or bad, all the shops were closed when I went wandering out at night. It's still not easy, trying to hold my head up high and denying allegations that I'm somebody who is confused. Because I am not. I'm letting these comments get to me and it's not getting much easier to deal with. I wake up everyday and try not to fail myself.

It's not that I don't have people who don't love and support me, far from it. Everyone I know is either heterosexual or gay/lesbian, and I want to speak with someone who is the SAME as me. That's all. I'm tired of reading books about case studies and stories of people who may or may not exist in reality. I waded through so much bisexual theory and bullshit like that only to find that it did not ease the desire to speak with someone in person. And I'm hoping the person I end up paired with will be someone I want to spend time with.

I called the place and I'm going to meet with the coordinator on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Tried to have a life, didn't work

2005-05-22T17:42:00.000-04:00

I've just been SO TIRED lately. I'm on my final week of my teaching block, and I'm only glad because I dont' have to mark anymore! lol.

Another totally random point: I love the first BBQ of the year. I invited a bunch of my old high school friends (Some I haven't seen in four years!)over and I was thanking my lucky stars for the wonderful weather. As soon as the first burger hits the grill, it rains. Nevertheless we trudged on and the rain eventually stopped. I've got a massive amount of photos of us huddled around a gas stove roasting marshmallows and singing camp songs (somehow it's not the same as a campfire, sigh.). I'll have to post those up when I get a chance.
Looking forward to tomorrow, (legal personal use of) fireworks! YEAH!!! To those non-Canadians who do not know what Victoria day is, here's a a link to tell you all about it.

Other random news: I bought myself my first piece of property. I think I'm in love :)

Bookworm of love

2005-05-12T22:13:00.000-04:00

lol. I love making fun of self-help books. I am and still really sick, and the week has not been supergreat. I'm conversing with K right now about this and I'm laughing in snot infested fury. Here are some highlights of the websurfing conversation:

-The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Hear of Mr. Right: OH MY GOD BURN THIS LADIES! I am unfortunate to say that I've read this while bored and having read everything in mine and my sister's book shelf, therefore I had no choice in the matter. I cried, I laughed, I got really mad. The good thing: I am superinspired to start a new photo series, and the first one landed me rave reviews.

-How to Date Young Women for Men Under 35: Ok, seriously. If I read about any news on statutory rape and the man has this book under his mattress, I'd congratulate the author.

-How to Start and Conversation and Make Friends: do I need to say more? I know I can be antisocial at times but I least I can randomly talk to people and have them like me.

-How To Date A White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men: Excuse me while I die with laughter. Do you see an author's name? IT IS BECAUSE ANYONE WITH A RIGHT MIND SHOULD BE DOWNRIGHT EMBARRASSED!!!! (Four exclamation marks for extra emphasis)

-Intellectual Foreplay: This is the only one that sounds remotely interesting.

-Dating for Dummies: "Hi. My name is Dummy. This is a book for my kind. I can't wait to learn!"

-Men Like Women Who Like Themselves: Do I really need a book to tell me this?

-Husband Hunting Made Easy:This is for men. Now I could go and make a really ignorant comment about rifles and camouflage suits with pink boas, but I shall refrain.

My question is: how the hell do these get published? What were these people thinking when they wrote this? Aren't they embarrassed that they've put their names on this?

If you find anymore I really would love to know. It'd be a laugh.

one tequila, two tequlia, three tequila, stupid.

2005-05-10T22:03:00.000-04:00

I just spoke with a friend and he let me know the stupid events that occured last night. It involved three shots of tequila in a row, two pints and bottle of beer, and several events afterwards:

1) I ended up at a baseball game, in the nosebleed section.
2) I drank two pints while there. A somehow sat beside me and we spoke for a bit.
3) It was blurry at this point. I remember sitting on the toilet a lot.
4) We were in front of the stadium, and I pestered S about the status of our relationship. There is none, nor will there will be one. I'm so over that, thank god
5) I spoke with A again.
6) I remember some guy with a yellow shirt and I kissed like mad. It was him. I only found out the full extent of our conversation when he called me today. I find his number in my directory, weeks after I had deleted it. How it got there, I have no idea.
7) I am not getting involved with A again. never.

Thank goodness I was supervising a trip today or I would have died.
Somebody kept asking me about the details of the game, and all I was able to do was nod and smile. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I am one of those people who only pretends to understand a conversation.

sigh. Why do I put myself through this?

you deserve more than an apple!

2005-05-03T18:34:00.000-04:00

It surprises me to this day what a teacher's reputation is. They are hardworking people. I get annoyed when people tell me it's great how they get summers off and it seems easy. IT IS NOT. If you tell me anything otherwise, please come closer so I can kick your behind all the way to the moon.

There is so much insane petty stuff, namely paperwork that goes into the everyday routine. As part of my final evaluation as a student teacher I'm in there everyday for a month, and I was all flustered and confused at the amount of sheets that needs to be filled out. To this day I'm still confused at the little blue sheets that students show me. Eh, I should care, and I should ask someone what the heck they are, heh. There's a huge amount of codes that I'm still trying to figure out when I'm supposed to assess students and their work habits. On top of that, lesson plans and trying to keep track of students are leaving me absolutely exhausted. God, let's not even mention the weird phobia about teaching guy students that are taller than me. Considering that's pretty much all of them, it's funny.

Ok, I'm getting sidetracked. This is supposed to be a post thanking teachers. I would be here if it weren't for several teachers who told me I had potential and wouldn't settle for less from me. Thank you, because without you I would not have graduated from high school. Nobody would have told me I was smart or talented if it weren't for you. I wouldnt' have seen myself as such.

Seriously, teachers make it look supereasy. I see in the English department office how much stuff piles on their desks everyday. Some of them teach night school, take on extra curricular activities, and meetings. I admire all of you, and thank you for helping me and giving me suggestions to further my development as a becoming teacher.

Before I forget: to all the parents out there. If your child recieves a poor grade, IT IS THE STUDENT'S FAULT. Not the teacher's but THEIRS. Get it in your heads. I hate having to call home as a translator so I can discuss with you about your daughter/son's mark. Get over the fact that your child must be smart and shifting the blame on someone else. Go take a mature pill, slap some sense into your kid and get over it.

Now, if you'll excuse me I have some marking to do.

Embarassing Moments

2005-04-26T13:32:00.000-04:00

Bourbonbird is certainly one of the wittiest bloggers I've come across, and her post on embarassing moments inspired me to post my own. Those who know me offline certainly understand that any klutzy moment is possible with me. Here they are, in no particular order, more because I can't be arsed to grade them according to how embarssing they are:

1)It was in grade two, and I was trying out for the relay team. I had no idea at the time that the button to my jeans were falling off while I was still running. I tripped over a pop can, and got up to continue. Unbeknownst to me, my jeans were halfway down my leg, and as soon I realized this, I tried to pull it up while still running. Needless to say, I ended up being the top runner, and my friend still makes fun of me to this day. At least I wore clean underwear, I think.

2) The store I used to work at had a craptacular staff area. I was eating lunch with some coworkers that day and all the chairs were taken. A guy beside me sat on a box, and another was beside him. Thinking that it was fine, I sat on it, only to fall in. I stood up and the darn thing was stuck on my bumbum. I had to get someone to help me get it off.

3) At the same work place, I was carrying a bunch of empty boxes to the back. A coworker decides to try and tickle me, and I walked backwards to get away from him, and I tripped over boxes. Imagine me, with flailing arms, falling backwards, with a whole bunch of boxes flying over me.

4)I was clearing dishes at a customer's table. A stray fork decides to fly off the plate, smack a creamer, and the creamer smacks my customer right between the eyes. The boyfriend thought it was hilarious.

5)It was the first day of summer, and I had just bought a new bikini. I decided to wear it, go outside in the backyard with my dog, bring out my portable stereo, and listen to Poison. I started shaking my ass when the girl I was dating at the time decide to come by and surprise me. I was mortified, she thought I had a hot ass.

6)I was cleaning a side station before I finished work. The automatic paper towel dispenser decides to shoot out paper. Later I discover it was because my head was at the same height as the sensor and my head moving around was the thing that dispensed those towels.

7)I was in the dishroom at work and I stepped on a piece of lettuce with mayo on the ground. I slid halfway across the room, with arms flailing.

8)On the plane ride from Sydney, everyone was asleep around me, and I had a craving for lime and pepper chips. I tried to open my bag very quietly, and ended up popping the bag, waking up everyone around me.

am I in deep shit?

2005-04-18T22:31:00.000-04:00

so...so far I've landed myself into an odd situation that I still need to rectify. I am first and foremost a nature lover. I miss such activites like camping and all that, and my last outing (whitewater rafting) has left me a bit annoyed at my good friend V and convinced that I can never go on any trips such as that again. I was complaining to S one day about how I don't have friends (well in the province anyway) that likes camping and isn't so high maintence about it, and we both discovered that we both really wanted to go. By the end of it, we made a pact to go camping together this summer. Sounds superfun, roughing it with no electricity, sitting my a campfire roasting marshmallows. Yes.

It does seem great, except for one small detail. So far it's only the two of us that are going. I'm not sure how I'm still feeling about this, both of us, sleeping beside one another in teh same tent. I'd be fine about it if he's a friend, but with the stuff that's been happening recently, and this impending feeling that he has a crush on me too, it's one helluva situation. I've been trying to invite everyone I know, I went as far as inviting my sister. I'm sure it'll be fun, but at the same time it's one of the oddest situations I find myself in (next to sleeping in a bench in Hyde Park when I failed to find a room for the night). And I dont' want to chicken out because I really want to go.

Now if nobody else decides to come with S and I, I could always convince him to go on this trip.

damn you sparknotes!

2005-03-29T22:10:00.000-05:00

You are a Performer!
(Dominant Extroverted Abstract Feeler)

You are a PERFORMER (DEAF)-personable, self-assured, and excellent under pressure. You are extroverted and strong-willed, which, in combination means you are good with people and aren't willing to let opportunity pass you by. Congratulations. I'm sure all the peons you've stepped on never saw it coming and didn't feel a thing.
You have formidable creative talents, and you often following what your heart tells you instead of your logical mind. Your exuberance can earn you many friends and admirers, despite your ambition, or it can intimidate the less confident into keeping their distance. It's also possible that you're Madonna.

SparkLife: The Personality Test

What's that word, you turd?

2005-03-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

I am not a phone person. period. I have no idea what it is about speaking over the phone that turns me into a static robot. Honestly, I don't like to call people, and only use the phone when necessary. Most of the time it's only to say a quick hello or make plans to meet in person.

It's not that people don't like speaking to me. Since I don't enjoy the art of speaking over the phone, I am a pretty good listener. People call me to vent about their problems. And I do talk, if it's to people from other parts of the world and that is the only way I'll be able to communicate with them. D and J think I'm pretty kooky over the phone.

I think why I'm typing this is because I'm a little apprehensive about calling R, a person I recently met online. It's not the fact that I don't think I'll have nothing to say him-far from it-but perhaps I'm not as zingy on the phone like I am in person and on msn. He has my mobile number and it's certainly not the fact that I don't enjoy our conversations. Is it wrong to be all weirded out by this? I remember him mentioning a couple of times about not really wanting to meet people offline because they're completely different from their online selves. I'd like to think I'm not like that, except on the phone, heh. Perhaps I'm a little nervous about not being the person he expects. I have no idea really.

He's definitely a cool enough person. Maybe I'll eat a shitload of candy, drink about five cups of coffee and a bunch of pop so I'll be forced to be my hyper self on the phone.

PMS=PeevedMaddeningSyndrome

2005-03-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

I am officially in a snappy mood. All the stress and the insane schedule has me leaving a little exhausted, and not sleeping doesn't help. I do enjoy to the nonsensical chatting until 2am (What the heck were we talking about that I lost all track of time?) and mucking about in my room, but either the bags-under-the-eyes should be considered a beauty trend or I'll have to put more teabags under there. sigh. I need to start to learn how to say no.

That's not all. After literally a half hour of sleep, it's off to a fun filled four hour drive to deliver stock my dad was supposed to bring days ago. So when I get there the customer's all whingy (understandable) and "helping" me by saying how little girls shouldn't be lifting all this heavy equipment. Utterly annoyed by this point (traffic was shit), I pulled out a lawn chair in the van (don't ask), made him sit down, and watch me carry all the stuff in his warehouse. I didn't care at that point if it was cruddish customer service because I snapped at him, I wanted the fuck outta there. The man found this all comical and gave me 20 buckeroos for my lovely comedic act. It's good to know that in the middle of my fury I can generate laughs.

I decide to stop by work to see if I could change a couple of shifts. As I'm walking to the back of the restaurant, one of my coworkers came up to me and asked, "so I heard you're bisexual. Is this true?". I nodded and he replies with "wow, that's hot. I mean that's so cool". fucking suburbanite. So then I leash into my fury again, and rip his head off about calling something as serious as that cool, and suburbs need to stop smoking up and pretending everything's 'hot shit'. I hate surburbia for this very reason. I want to make this guy wear a sign that says 'fag' and leave him in the middle of rural Alberta and have people throw rocks at him. Admist of all that I'll be hollering out "Man, that's so cool. I mean that's hot shit!"

But no, of course this is not over. I just ended an hour's worth of fighting with my dad over the stupidest reason: How to crop an image in photoshop. What peeves me more than anything other than stupidity is when people mess with my precious time and schedule. Honestly, my dad needs to sleep with all the software he uses, so he can get to know them better.I'm all in a huff, and now I don't even want to sit in front of this computer to finish work I need to do.

Now people see why I'm not making any social rounds until this is all over?

Will Our Worlds Collide?

2005-03-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

I'm currently listening to a sappy romantic CD mix I created, sitting among dozens of tealights, and writing furiously. Damn, I'm thinking at this moment that I truly want to be properly kissed. Hasn't happened for a while. I miss it. I want to be in somebody's arms, have them stroke my hair, and tell me I'm the most beautiful girl they've set their eyes on. I'm having a really selfish moment, and an utterly desperate one too. I want to be with someone, right now, just for the sake of being with someone.

Ok, fine, there is someone. And it's not exactly possible to be with this person. I try to push this issue out of my mind and everytime I think about this person I cannot control the butterflies in my stomach and my heart from beating like a mad bongo drum. Crud, I have to stop reading that blog.

I think I need to stop listening to this CD.

All-nighter conversations and the odd revelation

2005-03-05T22:40:00.000-05:00

I watched the sunrise by a cliff with J this morning. I must say, it was sweet and oddly romantic at the same time, considering we're not going out anymore. The whole night/morning was unintentional, I'm sure both of us wanted to sleep that night. He calls me up, completely upset at something, and we drove around for a bit (how did I end up being everyone's support system? heh.).

I miss having such long conversations with someone. I think it surprised both me and him how easily we could carry a 12 hour conversation (hmmm, I had an 8 hr chat recently, not sure if that counts). God, and I kept thinking how glad I am to actually be able to be friends with him, because we have so much in common and get along so well.

sigh. I also miss having that connection with someone. And I'm not talking physical, because you can have that with a lot of people. And not that spiritual mumbo-jumbo either. I mean I love being single, and appreciate all the perks of it, but somehow I want someone there, who I feel completely and utterly special around, and be fascinated with whatever he/she says and does. Someone who can read my mind. Someone who speaks the same things at the same time as I do.

I'm not sure I'm thinking these things because of J. I think it was more to do with mailing a letter to a certain person today. She's been on my mind quite often lately, whether that's a good or bad thing, I'm not sure. I think about what could have been, what should have been, what would have been. There were things I would have wanted to tell her, but I didn't. And there's no point in going there now.

So my trip to Vancouver will work out after all. I'm quite excited to see her. I hope she is just as excited to be seeing me too.

50 Random Facts About Me

2005-02-26T20:09:00.000-05:00

1. If I am able to use sarcasm in front of you and/or call you superawesomefantabulous, then you've made an impression on me.
2. I have a fascination with pez.
3. Favourite pez candy flavour: grape.
4. I like getting flowers. Even better if it's anything other than red roses, or roses in general for that matter.
5. I regret giving up photography four years ago. I'm glad I started up again.
6. I don't like it when people call me hot or beautiful. It's not a self-esteem issue or anything.
7. I have this weird hobby of dancing along and memorizing moves to a music video. It used to be Kylie, then Ciara, and now the new Jennifer Lopez song.
8. I love lawn bowling.
9. I find women with short hair sexy.
10. I'm not sure what kind of hair I like on men.
11. I like buying and giving random gifts to my friends. And no, I don't want anything from you.
12. I cannot stand people using their sexuality to get what they want.
13. I have a secret wish that someone would sing "Run Wild" by New Order to me on an acoustic guitar.
14. I was part of a salt and pepper costume for Halloween. It got ruined when somebody threw up on me.
15. I bite my nails.
16. I love life.
17. I love teaching. Every time I walk into a classroom I am always reminded that I made the right choice in choosing this profession.
18. I invented a dance move. My friends think it's hilarious. It's retired.
19. I like telling my goofy traveling stories.
20. I've never dated anyone from my own ethnicity. Pure coincidence.
21. I want to own a powder blue suit.
22. I was in love with Boy George for the longest time when I was a little kid. I was really disappointed when I found out he was really not a girl.
23. I had a stalker for three years.
24. I love reading by candlelight.
25. Everyone thinks that my sister and I look alike.
26. I like walking by myself along empty streets at night. I think it's one of the most romantic things to do, especially if there is no talking. Just sweet, sweet silence.
27. I love waking up to sunrises.
28. I also love walking near bodies of water. Even better if it's dawn.
29. I used to play the flute.
30. I love my mom.
31. I've been considering getting a master's degree for a while now.
32. I love watching Bollywood movies.
33. I'm usually the one who makes the first move. It would be nice to be asked.
34. I love collecting old grammar books from pre-1900s.
35. I carry an idea book with me everywhere I go.
36. I have a horrible weakness for vanilla bean lattes.
37. I have a passion for helping others in need.
38. I believe that everyone needs to be respected. If they respect me, that is.
39. My mom fascinates me.
40. I love traveling by myself. I tend to be more spontaneous than usual that way.
41. I have a friend whom I do the "jazz hands" with. We also clap like monkeys.
42. I miss her.
43. "Make out like mad chocolate monkeys" is my favourite phrase du jour.
44. I love my shoe collection.
45. I'm a stickler for using correct grammar.
46. I love eating chicken wings.
47. I love camping without a tent.
48. I'm still afraid of the dark sometimes.
49. I am an insane neat freak.
50. You had me at number one.

elitist institution interrupted by snoring

2005-02-19T00:50:00.000-05:00

I realize sometimes how comical life can be. Yesterday I treated my friend to the Toronto Symphony Orchestra. It was seriously brillant. I sat there really moved by this particular moment, and I hear a sigh. I looked over, and two seats to the left of me, was an old lady ASLEEP, breathing heavily. I was pretty much distracted because I found it funny (come on, you would too!) and tried to concentrate on the concert again. As time wore on she became louder and louder, until it was full out snoring. My friend beside me giggled, and people next to my friend turned to see what was going on. Three ladies in the row in front of us also turned to see what was the matter.

That's not the end of it.

At the end of every piece, she would somehow wake up, applaud along with everyone, and fall asleep again. She also somehow woke up, knew it was intermission, and bolted for the door before anyone else got up. I wonder if her friend was the least bit embarassed by her.

On a different note, S told me today that he realizes how he acts differently when I'm in his prescence. He's usually a pretty quiet guy but says that I somehow bring out this loud and kooky/crazy side of him. We smile and look at each other in his car. Nice moment of silence. That may have been the best conversation and the nicest compliment (if he meant that way that is) I've had in a while.

no, no, the glass is half full

2005-02-14T23:45:00.000-05:00

Sigh. I refuse to come across as a super pessimistic person who does nothing but complain. I mean there's always stupid shit going on and there's no point in reiterating it over and over again. You and I will get sick of it.

I also refuse to hate all men becase of one person. I am going to pray everyday that I will not have a stereotypical view of men from how one particular person treats me.

I actually wanted to talk to a certain person on the phone tonight, although I wanted alone time and pretty much refuse any calls (except for that one phone call which was important). Stupid panic attack ensues and all of a sudden I'm anti-social.I have no idea why I'm so apprehensive about dialing a phone number.

There is a shitload of alcohol but I refuse to drink it. No need to fuel the stupid emotions I'm feeling now.

Did I complain anywhere in what I just typed? Because if I did somebody come over here right now and slap me.

[Edit]I took a LONG walk. Somebody needs to yell at me for walking alone in the middle of the night. I feel a little calmer, I think. It's 5 am and I still cannot go to bed. sigh.

sigh

2005-02-13T23:48:00.000-05:00

So, my last two posts have generated a lot of emails and phone calls from friends. And I had no idea I had a number of friends with the initials JH. Geesh. No, it's not anyone living in the same city as I am. You know who you are.

On another note, I hoped I at least helped my friend S take his mind (sort of) off some things. It was great quality time chatting in the coat check at work and making fun of how stupid we were doing the crossword puzzle. This guy is such a good person. Who knew that my sillyness and stupid humor could cheer him up.

When he thanked me for going out to the funeral I felt my eyes water. Goddamn it, it would be so much easier if I had no feelings at all.

do I age like a fine wine?

2005-02-07T22:04:00.000-05:00

[scene: "Y" and "me" enter room with piles of books]

Y: How's school going?

me: awesome actually. Excuse the mess and the piles of books, I'm researching for a couple of English Lit. essays.

Y: Oh. Are you doing an essay on women and bisexuality too? [points at pile of books underneath bed]

me: no.

Y: Oh.

[silence]

Y: Are you ok? I mean, have you spoken to someone about this?

me: sort of, a couple of years ago.

Y: Ok, I'm glad to hear that. I have a friend who works as a mentor if you ever want to talk to someone anonymous.

me: Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

[Y and me hug]

Y: you know, you've changed so much since I saw you last. Look at you, you've blossomed into this amazingly beautiful woman, inside and out. Your inner beauty is bursting at the seams, I can see a glow around you! I swear!

me: [laughs]

Y: Keep going at the rate you're heading darling and you're bound to go places. I bet you whatever goals and dreams you're striving for now, will not compare to the ones you're going to achieve.

me: hmm, you should really stop. You're sounding like a hallmark greeting card. Both of us are definitely not the generic type.

Y: [laughs]

This is one of m best friends whom I have not seen in three years. I love her to death. She truly inspires me to become a better person.

LRSOC

2005-02-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

*This is a stream of consciousness semi-lesibian rage post. If you don't want to read stupid rambling then go elsewhere*

I'm on my third day of food posioning scare and I am irritable as fuck. Fuck. There is always someone that responds with "that's hot shit" or something that is similar to that whenever he or she finds out I'm bi. For fuck's sake, it is not fucking trendy or "cool". Argh. Let's think about when the RCMP had files on homosexuals (thank fuck I am too young to be a part of that era) or how you would feel if you weren't allowed to go to church anymore, that is if you go. That's what happened to me, and I completely lost faith in religion. Wankers, try to see through some non-heterosexual eyes. Fuck you, you get to waver in and out of discrimination, so don't wish you're some fucking orientation you're not. I'm so sick of people asking me "so how does that work?" or "do you like girls more than boys" and that type of bullshit, so fucking cut it out. I don't know the answer to it, all I know is that I have the ability to be sexually attracted to both men and women. Have that type of conversation with someone who cares.

Then there's the always continual outsider status I feel with my friends sometimes. The gay friends I hang out with are great, but recently this one girl told me I was too straight to go out with women, and all I'm going through was a phase. well fuck you woman, why do you care? first of all, if it is a phase, it's a long one. secondly, even if it was, is there anything wrong with that? I can at least say that I am open and honest with myself enough to try and to discover who I really am. If a couple years down the line I really am hetereosexual (or a lesbian for that matter) that is ok with me. Thirdly, how can you judge someone's sexuality just by looking at them? There's that whole shit with men dressing nicely and being called fags. If you want the world to be more accepting then perhaps look at yourself, and go from there fool.

Then the stupid issue going on with a good friend of mine. We used to joke about how we'd get married and that, obviously her boyfriend thought it was quite arousing. Now all these stupid lesbian jokes ensues and I'm feeling a bit hurt. It's not like anything out of the ordinary, we've always had a really sarcastic sense of humor, but these jokes are really stinging. I told her this one day and she laughed and said I was stupid. Great. I just hope I stop feeling this way or pent up rage will seriously boil over.

Then this stupid thing with JH. Argh. I can't help but think there's something goiing on with him concerning me but I'm not about to ask him. Fuck him and his inability to be platonic friends with a girl. I cannot help but feel a little unconfortable around him now. And I have no idea why. We had awesome conversations, laughed a shitload of times, and had so much fun together. It was probably right after that night in december, fuck I'm not going to go into details. There are times when he just blurts out "I've been thinking about you", and I have nothing to say. What am I supposed to say? And what does he mean when he says it?

That's it. If you actually stayed up to this point I congratulate you.

oioioioioi

2005-01-30T17:23:00.000-05:00

Oi, for the past couple of months I feel like some hoity toity career woman snob.

My ex invited me out for a couple of drinks Thursday night and I figured I'd be a bum tonight, put stupid marking and other work shit aside and go. Dropped off my shit and headed straight there.

I just came from my teaching gig that day, so I was in my "professional clothes", which is ulike what I usually put on. There I was with him a bunch of his friends, dressed in my classy pinstripe trousers (I shall not disclose how much i paid for it, except it was too much) and a new black sweater (oh so screams "professional"). Let's not forget my pointy toe shoes. I'm in a seedy drinking hole, and the lot of them are in their jeans and ratty attire. Of course, I'm playing pool and knocking back pints, and looking like a twat.

Never again. If I'm in the same type of attire, I'm going to demand to be taken to a classier place.

I've found my muse

2005-01-26T19:34:00.000-05:00

I just finished dancing to a random amount of music videos on tv. Wanted to have a big booty like Jennifer Lopez's. Ended up sweating like a moron and fell on my couch in fits of laughter.

Good god that was fun. Haven't felt this great in a while, which is refreshing.

2005 is bringing a shitload of changes. Granted, some bad things happened too, but that was brought over from last year. Met loads of new people, seen tons of great things. I think I've finally found the inspiration and motivation I've so longed for. I wish there were more hours in the day to be doing what I love.

I've found my new muse. whoo wee.

superawesomefantabulous

2005-01-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

I came home only to find out there has been a little flood in my basement, and the wall where I keep all my works was damaged. It was a painful yet nostalgic experience sorting through all the stuff I created so many years ago. At about 2am this morning, I went downstairs to sort stuff out. I found a bunch of self portraits I did four years ago that I thought I had destroyed (negatives and all) in my fury of lesbian rage.

This makes me feel superawesomefantabulous. Also found old camera equipment.

Look out world. You shall see me soon in a photo exihibit near you.

Back Home (Until I Run Away Again)

2005-01-17T22:08:00.000-05:00

Well, did my load of laundry, made my way to school (NEVER carry a huge-ass bag of crap when showing people around campus), and took my bus back to my parents home. We'll see how this goes.

Despite all that's happened I miss being in my room, although at any moment the wonderful silence could potentially be interrupted.

I was a good tour guide today. I think I may start that as my second career choice. I'm tired of being a food whore.

ah hah!

2005-01-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

erf.

There's just been something that's on my mind for a little mini while. I guess I've been trying to find a way to figure it out and externalize it.

erf.

J was the first one to mention it. It's been on his mind too. Thank god, because if I started this conversation and I truly thought he felt the opposite I have no idea what I'd do.

It's this whole relationship, how it started, where we wanted it to go, and where it is now. I don't think both of us expected to get this serious this quickly, if at all. It's scaring him too, not just me, thank goodness. We had a seriously long chat tonight, and I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. Check that list of things needed to be adressed and changed. God, I'm making this sound so impersonal, and it isn't in any way. There's just a shitload of crap I have to deal with.

I guess it all started with the Christmas dinner. Both of us agreed that he shouldn't have gone. Yeah, ok, I invited him. But I threw it out as a casual invitation, not a "hey, we're getting more serious with our relationship so let's take it one step further" thing. I didn't want him to spend Christmas alone, with his family being halfway across the world. He pretty much admitted to me that he accepted it not really thinking about what the intention was, and panicked because he thought I invited him for the latter reason. The next thing we knew, he comes, my family loves him, we have one of the best Christmases ever, and it unofficially became serious.

It's not that I don't care about him and vice versa. It's that we never intended for it to go beyond casually dating each other. When we first hooked up, heb just broke up with his ex a little while back and I was dealing with some issues at the time. A bit of fun, really, no strings attached. To be honest, I don't want any sort of commitment, and neither does he. But now that we're at this stage there's no going back.

So we're on a indefinite break as of this point. I can't say I'm surprised. And no, I'm not sad, more relieved. So is he. A couple of friends asked why I don't talk about him. They can read this post and they'll know why.

Change #1

2005-01-09T20:07:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm staying at my cousins for the time being. I really needed to leave the house, my dad has simply become too unbearable. I've tried to lay low and let things slide when he'd be in his moods but Wednesday was the final straw. I am a complete mess.

So I told my mom where I was going to be, told her I'd call her to let her know I'm safe, packed a couple of items in my bag and headed to my cousin's place.

My mind's been somewhat better since I know she's not going to explode any second, and I can walk around her place with no fear of being yelled at. Hopefully he'll calm down and solve whatever he's having problems with right now. I do not want to be in a place where I will forever be a scapegoat whenever his temper rises. There's only so much anger you can avoid.

I've considered doing what I did four years ago and run away again. But I know that will not solve any of my problems. Plus, I was much more immature and my mom ended up getting caught in the middle of it. There is no way I'm going to put her through that again. I know that my cousin is open to me staying there for long term but I know I'm going to head home eventually.

It sounds stupid to do so, I know, but I need to show him I'm not the person I used to be. My mom took me out to dinner and told me he's truly believing of the fact that I started using drugs again. Which is not true. And I know he thinks this because I've been out a lot more often and coming home late. And the stupid thing is, I'm out late because I want to avoid him. I come home drunk half the time because drinking and going to bars is one of the only things to do if I'm going to stay out late.

Which brings me to one of the things I'm going to change: drink a maximum of one drink per night. Or at least not drink until I'm stupid. There's a staff party coming up in February and most of my friends who work there are super excited at going (namely the reason being the unlimited free drinks) and are trying so hard to convince me to go. I'm not about to tell them what led me to this conclusion because I don't want to talk about it. Not to anyone for that matter.

Any time I talk about this, tears well up in my eyes. James offered to go out to coffee and chat. I really don't. I'm feeling so antisocial that I'm turning off my phone so nobody can reach me. I did promise that we'd at least catch a flick and I'd feel bad if I don't. We'll see.

Time for a distracting movie night. The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert is always a favourite. I shall try to have a fun and sober night.

2005-01-02T20:01:00.000-05:00

I refuse to make up New Year's resolutions. If I, or anyone for that matter, were serious about making changes in their lives they would do them any time of the year.

Jacob and I drove around and talked about these changes. I am confident that I am going to make it. A lot of people, ones I told anyway, have been insanely supportive. And I want to thank them.

For a girl who's afraid to crack open a bible, I actually went to church on Christmas Day and have been talking to a priest once a week. No, I'm not converting nor restoring my faith.

More about this later. I need to rest.

2004-12-24T15:58:00.000-05:00

I'm blubbering like a stupid idiot because a lot of my friends decide to stop by, give me presents and wish me a good Christmas. Some of whom I haven't seen in months and years. It also makes me think of friends who are not in the vicinity. Crap. Now I have to fix my makeup. Have a good holidays everyone.

More Pressure in the Cooker, Please

2004-12-19T23:23:00.000-05:00

What a pleasant surprise. Jacob came home Friday to surprise me for Christmas. Half his family is still in Oz and I was not expecting to see him until January. I was naturally super excited. Thank god I keep forgetting to mail his Christmas present or else it would be halfway across the world by now. That would have been funny.

It was great to sit by the fire and chat over hot chocolate. After a really long conversation I'm really glad he's back. I realize now how much I actually missed him. So at the end of my night with Jacob, I ended up inviting him for Christmas dinner at my house since he wasn't really doing anything that night.

I'm shitting my pants. This is the first time he's meeting my parents. Actually, my aunt, uncle, and a few of my cousins are going to be there. Holy Shit. That's scary. He's the second person I've brought home and the first that my extended family is meeting. I hope he's not nervous because I'm nervous enough for the both of us. As if there isn't enough issues to worry about already.

Semi-Drunken Post

2004-12-12T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm on my fifth glass of wine and trying to wrap Christmas presents. Not a good combination. And the wine I'm drinking was supposed to be a gift. Oh well, I'll buy him another one. It's pretty stupid, but the most annoying aspect of this whole gift giving thing is the PRICE TAGS. I despise them, taking them off that is. I bought a bunch of bath products for some friends and the sticky residue refuses to come off. I've been trying to attack at them from all angles and this inanimate being is winning. Maybe I need to stop drinking.

So the whole issue between me and Johannes seems to be solved for now. I went out with him and Don yesterday night. None of us really spoke to each other until pretty much near the end of the night. He apologized for making an ass of himself and I asked him never to bring up the subject again. I am crossing my fingers hoping that nothing happens between now and Monday.

I think I drank too much this holiday season. Perhaps I'm making up for the deprivation during my ultra-pseudo-responsible period for the past two months. I should get back to eliminating those price tags. Damn you sticky residue!

East Meets West

2004-12-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

Call me niave, but I don't understand the attraction I exude towards men. Maybe I'm too thick to see the telltale signs. A number of people did end up having crushes on me and I had no fucking clue. Plus, whenever anything romantic happens between me and men there's always a third wheel. Yesterday was such the case. I went out to dinner with Don and Johannes after picking them up from the airport. I decided to take them to a hot pot restaurant (here's a link to show you all about it, mucho fun). It was funny seeing two white guys with no clue as to what it was and trying to pretend to know they do. Don kept poking at a piece of fish he cooked to make sure it was really done. They were apprehensive about making their own dipping sauces. I really should have brought a camera.

What a good and hearty meal it was. I love asian food and restaurants in that it is such a social event. Johannes suggested we go for drinks since the night was still young. Don got a little suspicious looking att his point. He made a lame excuse about being tired and was going to head back to the hostel to sleep. Like I said earlier, I am thick. Didn't think of anything odd at that moment.

Nonetheless, we still have a good time. That is, until he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and made him tell me what was really going on. I had no idea he felt that way about me, and the reason they came back to Toronto was so he could spend more time with me and decide whether he should profess his true feelings or not. I was shocked.

I do have to admit that something almost started between us in Australia. I had to leave in two days and obviously it wasn't going to be anything serious. It seriously was great spending that time with him. I never thought anything more would ensue.

So what am I going to do about this? I blurted out a pathetic sentence about how we live halfway across the world and I do not well with long distance relationships. Plus I'm still with Jacob.

So apparently he didn't know about Jacob. He claims that I never mentioned him. He claims that the reason I never mentioned him because I don't like him enough to tell everyone. Then he asks me if I lived in Australia or he lived in Toronto if there was a chance for us. By this point we were pretty much takling loudly to each other (it could have been shouting, the place was too loud anyway) and our drunken reasoning wasn't up to par. We left on a pretty sour note.

Jacob. Johannes. These two names are swirling in my mind constantly now. I have no idea why I'm making suc a fuss of what he said about Jacob. Is it really true? I don't talk about him too much. I haven't thought about him for a week now. Is that wrong? He's always the one to call, and hearing his voice makes me happy, but I don't miss him. Is that wrong? He keeps saying how he can't wait to come back to Toronto, but I don't. Is that wrong? And I keep asking myself the question Johannes asked me before we left. And the answer is yes.

Crap. Damn. Bloodly Hell. I should stick to being a lesbian. Relationships with women seemed so much easier for me when I was in them.

'Tis a Snowy Day In The Neighbourhood

2004-12-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

I love snow. All that rain in November made me wish for snow even more. It's such a wonderful surprise to wake up and see the ever poetic first snowfall of the winter. Always makes me happy:

I've also noticed that a lot sheepskin (or ugg-boots, here's a link if you don't really know what I'm takling about) boots are cropping up today, perhaps as a result of the snow. Please do the fashion world a favour and burn them. They're hideous.

Now I have to go drive to the airport to meet Don and Johannes. Traffic should be fun.

To Travel is To Be Free

2004-12-01T18:52:00.000-05:00

I started on a travel fix again soon after my friend and I skimmed through the book 1000 Places to See Before You Die. It was an excellent book. She and I started counting the number of places we've been compared to each other. She had a lot less than me. We started talking about our various reasons for wanting to see the world. She pretty much told me it wasn't her nature to be nomadic and the reasons she went to places was because her family or her boyfriend took her. She then rambled on about how brave I was to venture on so many places alone.

I'm sure other people have done what I done. I love to see the world. I have a hunger for it. If I weren't busy trying to complete my Bachelor's degree and my teacher certification I wouldn't be in Toronto. I think a lot about the reasons for my love of traveling. It's simple: I love the feeling of discovery, the exhilarating feeling I get when I approach something new. I want life to be an adventure, and trying to figure out roads, meeting different people and learning about their way of life is what my idea of adventure is. You learn how you fit in with the rest of the world. It's an amazing feeling.

The more I think about this, the more I want to cram clothing and other necessities in my backpack and jet off somewhere I know nothing about. I've done it before. But I'm not sure I have the courage to do it now. As the years progress there are more responsibilities that accumulate, and I can't help but think I'm obligated to stay behind. My schooling is important to me but I also miss that feeling when I go traveling. I cannot wait for the day when I have enough money and be able to make my dreams a reality. I am jealous for the backpackers out there. I am jealous of my friends who are traveling this very minute. Heck, I'm jealous of the people who are about to travel.

I am planning to taking a short trip (a week or two) to Vancouver. I hope I can round up enough money to do so. Perhaps that would suppress my burning desire to roam just for a little while.

I Have Tassles On My Boobs

2004-11-26T23:04:00.000-05:00

My Aussie friends Don and Johannes are the goofiest guys I know. They've made their way around Canada and are coming back to Toronto for about two weeks before heading back to Sydney. I cannot wait to see them again. They've been sending me postcards as they venture forth in their journey and have sent me a touque (or beanie as you Aussies say it) recently. They wanted to see how it looked on me so I snapped a quick photo and emailed it to them. I look completely and utterly goofy and we shared many laughs over my apperance. Then they made me promise to wear it more than once. I did, but only in my house. Now I've gotten into this routine where I come home and put the toque on whenever I walk my dog and leave it on until I head off to sleep. It's been like this for two weeks. It cheers me up for some reason knowing that some good friends were thinking of me when buying and mailing it. I also love the tassles:

Notice how they sit right where my nipples are. I swear I'm not trying to be an exhibitionist or a wannabe burlesque showgirl.

My Brain is One Weird Train of Thought

2004-11-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

I realize how my mind goes on these weird train of thoughts. I remember back in August I saw a tree in an amusement park and from looking at the bark deduced thoughts about Tommy Lee Jones and his character in the Batman movie.

Today's thoughts came rather quickly in the half hour it takes for me to get home from my school placement. I've been fascinated with the idea of religion recently. Not necessarily to follow one type of faith, but just a general interest in their institution and belief system. I started reading the Qu'uran from a free copy that was distributed at a reading festival and other books that talk about the Hindu faith. Fascinating. I borrowed books that deal with the different types of Buddhism from the recommendation from a friend of mine and that reading list is getting smaller by the minute.

But I can't seem to crack open the Bible

I'm not sure what it is. I'm scared of the words inside the page. What my experience was with that whole belief system. A long time ago I used to go to church thinking that God was the way to salvation. A successful spiritual path. A lot of things led me to believe that was wrong. I abandoned it.

I've lived my life as an agnostic. I still believe in the idea of religion and faith, but not necessarily practicing it. I do believe in the many Buddhist doctrines that are out there, but not strongly enough to call myself a Buddhist. I came to think of myself as undeserving of the of the church because I'm not heterosexual. As well as the many other sins I've committed that I thought were unforgivable.

As I waited for the students in my last period class I noticed a poster that advertised a hotline for gay, lesbian, bisexual youth or teens that are confused with their sexuality. I think it's great that there's a resource here at a suburb. I started thinking about how almost all of my students are Muslim and Catholic. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my sexuality and of who I am. For some reason I've refrained from really telling everyone about that side of myself in the education program and in the schools. Ok, well, it's not like there's a conversation where you can begin to talk about these sorts of things. So why am I so concerned? I just wonder what my students will think if they knew they were being taught by somebody who their faith tells them to condemn. If I were Muslim I have no idea what I would think. I recently spoke to someone who dropped out of the education program because he was so disheartened by how he was treated implicitly he dropped out of the program. He cautioned me against displaying that side of me. But would that mean I should be ashamed of it? No. But I will be careful in what I say to my fellow teachers. Although there is that hotline and people do talk about these sorts of issues where I live, I'm not sure people will be that accepting of it in schools.

I wonder how many people call that hotline. I'd really love to find out.

The Difference Between Winners And Losers Is Winners Do Things Losers Don't Want To Do

2004-11-23T19:41:00.000-05:00

Today I allowed myself to wallow in self pity. I don't do this often, but I think it's healty to do so every once in a while. During these times I give myself constructive criticism and try to forge ahead and do something about what is bothering me. I'm looking at my goals again and I want to tear it up, start over. I know I don't want that. I've worked extremely hard to get to where I am and having these self destructive thoughts does not necessarily mean I should devalue all my achievements. I sat in my room for a good two hours and wrote out all my concerns, inhibitions, and motivations. Several lists later, I'm feeling a little better.

Perhaps I'm just stressed. Or PMSing for that matter. Or both. Whatever is causing this is a good thing. At least I tell myself this. I am so close to another big step in my life and it is good that I think about everything I'm concerned about now. Entering the "real world" used to be extremely exciting for me. Having my own place, steady income, total responsibilities sounded great. Now I'm not so sure. That realm for me is scary. Am I going to find a job when I graduate? Did I make a good enough impression in my school placements? What do others think of my skills as a teacher? What do I do when I don't find a job by September? I know these thoughts are normal but I want them to stop. At least for now. I've still got a year left until I graduate.

On a lighter note, my good mate in Australia is sending me chicken chips. I have no idea why but I have a little obsession with them. Everytime I went grocery shopping during my stay in Australia I used to buy bags of them. Even bought them for the flight back. I am going to sit paitently by my door for the package to arrive. Then it'd be some good lovin' with me and my chicken chips. He thinks I'm silly for having cravings of something that is halfway across the world from me. So I'm silly. Sue me.

Is that a Zit?!

2004-11-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

I asked one of my friends to look over the layout and the look of the blog to see if it looks fine. She pointed out to me that it looks like I have a really red pimple near my lip at the picture on the left. So it does.

A New Home

2004-11-21T20:50:00.000-05:00

Well, after signing up for a paid user account and discovering that it is simply not worth it, here I am. My old blog was a place to chat with other bloggers, and most times I want to login, the site is down. The worst thing is, I paid for unreliable service. As I'm typing this, I'm trying to access my old blog to let people who read that one know where I am. No success. I am tired of being fustrated about it. So now I followed in other fellow tbloggers' footsteps and set up an account here. I hope the friends I've made there will visit here or at least keep in touch with me. I'd love that.